Maybe I am Sick
by LeviosaFlight
Summary: A person can only take so much before the finally begin to crack... Warnings: Sensitive topics including, but not limited to - self injury and various forms of mental illness. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter One: The Daze

The Outsiders belongs to SE Hinton!

NA: I took some ideas from the book and the movie. 

Warnings: Depressing and self-injury.

NA2: Don't hate me for this…I wanted to do something depressing that's all.

*****

Two months

It had been two long and confusing months since Johnny and Dallas died.

Since then, I can't stop thinking that both didn't have to die!

Johnny didn't have to save those kids…and Dally didn't have to knock up that store or pull out a gun. Dang, the gun wasn't even loaded!

…Hell, my parents didn't have to die either…

Heck, I guess I am the grim reaper himself.

People I cared about have died, leaving my with unanswered questions:

Mom and dad, are you proud of me or do you think I'm just one messed up kid?

Johnny, why did you tell me to stay gold? I'm not gold Johnny, I'm a gray blob…

Dally, were you really crazy, or was life that bad that…you just wanted it to end? What were you thinking when the bullets of the policemen's' gun went through your body? Why…why did you _say my name?_

I placed my pencil down and closed my notebook, placing it with my school books and other things. 

That's when I started listening, the house was quiet for once. Darry and Soda have been working over time a lot lately, trying to pay off my hospital bills and other needed bills.

I walked to the living room, and my eyes fell on the bills that were spread out on the coffee table.

__

Why do they call a coffee table a coffee table?" I had asked Darry once.

__

"Ponyboy, why do you use your brain to think about stupid questions to ask?" He had snapped back.

__

"Sorry Darry."

I picked up one envelop and opened it. It was a bill from the hospital. 

Some places were typed and others were filled out on a line:

****

Patient: Ponyboy Michael Curtis

****

Laboratory visit (one) number: 2465581

****

Billed amount: 250.00

Payments: One- 

****

Subtotal: 250.00

****

Laboratory visit (two) number: 2683198

****

Payments: One-

**Subtotal: **250.00

****

Total: 500.00

Patient file name: Curtis, Ponyboy; Michael

****

Account number: 44-55-66

****

Insurance: 00.00

****

Amount due: 500.00 

I placed down the paper, letting out a long sigh. When just _talking _about it 500 bucks didn't seem all that much. But on an official piece of paper and when you _didn't _have it, it was a lot.

I glanced outside, it was November, a Friday in fact around 5 in the after noon. Darry probably would have been home by now just to check on me or something, then go back to work if he was needed. But he wasn't home…probably wouldn't be until late. Anyway there was a lot of people in Tulsa who wanted their roofs fixed before it began snowing.

"I'm sorry Dar." I said out loud. "Sorry Soda." I knew how much they hated the cold, and well, it was pretty chilly outside. 

I walked into the bathroom, and took out a razor that Two-bit had bought me as a joke when I had asked about shaving. 

I flipped up the blade of the razor and stared at it for a few seconds before I laid it on the sink. 

I let the lid of the toilet fall then I pulled my pants down to my knees, leaving my briefs in place, before I sat on the lid. I placed the blade on the razor against my thigh and I stared at it. 

My thigh was decorated with pink and white scars and the other thigh was a mirror image.

I placed a little pressure on the blade, enough for it to break through skin, then I dragged the blade.

Like always, 5 one inch cuts.

The first one was for Johnny, the second for Dallas, the third one was for mom and dad, the forth was for Daryl and Sodapop, and the fifth, was for myself. 

I never knew why I did one for myself…

I found out I liked pain…well, maybe not pain itself but the affects.

Like, after a fight with some Socs I wouldn't know I was hurt until someone told me. Just like, I just went numb or something.

…Getting hurt was much better then smoking even. I stopped smoking as much as the other guys. I only smoked when I was asked.

It was like, once again I was outside of my body. I watched myself press tissue against the cuts and when the cuts seemed to stop bleeding I pulled up my pants and flushed the tissue down the john. I would clean the blade and I took it to the bedroom, instead of putting it in the medicine cabinet.

Then I put on my jacket, and left the house…of course, I didn't lock the door.

*

I was walking and staring at me feet, my shoes were getting covered with dirt. How long have I been walking anyway?

"Ponyboy!" A voice called my name, it sounded angry. I looked up and around, that's when I herd a vehicle behind me. It sounded like our old Ford.

Why was I still walking?

"Ponyboy!" The voice came again.

"Pony!" It was a different voice it didn't sound as angry.

I didn't stop until someone grabbed my shoulder, I then turn slapping the hand away… hard. It must've been hard cause my hand was throbbing, wasn't it?

I looked down at it, I could barely see it. I looked up then, the sky was dark, and stars were sparkling. "When did it get dark?" I asked out loud.

"Ponyboy? You ok?" The voice was soft. That's when I looked at them…it was all four of them, staring at me like I had gone mad.

"Yea…no…m'okay." Did that even make sense?

No it didn't you idiot! A voice inside my head scream. _You really are stupid…_

"I..I'm okay. I just went out for a walk-"

"A walk! At this time of night?" Darry was mad.

__

No duh, you idiot.

"Ponyboy, Two-bit said he went to the house around 6, when I asked him to check on you. He said you weren't home! It turned 7 o'clock, then 8...!" His fist were balled, he wouldn't dare hit me, would he?

Why was I asking myself all thses questions?

__

Ding! Ding! I know the answer cause uh…you're an IDIOT!

"Darry lay off of him okay?" Soda smiled, and placed an arm around me.

"What time is it?" I asked, not really moved by Darrys anger

"It's almost 10, honey." Soda said, his voice was filled with concern. "You sure you're okay?"

"I uh…yea." I had been gone 5 hours! No wonder Darry was pissed. I guess Steve was a little worried too since he kept glancing at me.

__

Sure, Steve Randle worried about a tag-a-long like you? Just shut up.

*

Everyone stayed at the house that night, it was nothing new. 

I acted like I was asleep, while Soda combed his fingers through my hair and touched my forehead a few times.

"Does he have a fever?" Darry's voice was low, and a little apprehensive.

"Naw, he's just stressed out." Soda whispered softly.

"He scared me something awful ya know, didn' mean to snap at him like that."

__

Lies all Lies. He hates you Ponyboy, you know that right? Why wouldn't the voice shut up

"Understand. Scared me too, even Steve some."

Lies again, all lies!

"Shut up." Opps I said that out loud didn't I?

"Baby? Shh.." Soda again stroked my hair

"He okay?" Soda must have nodded to Darrys answer. "Do you know if he's been having nightmares or anything?"

"Nope, dun think so." Soda stopped talking as if he was thinking. "He talks in his sleep a lot, sayin' sorry for something'."

"Ah. Watch over him tonight lil' buddy and get some sleep."

Then he was gone.

Soda combed his fingers through my hair a few more times before he went to sleep.

"Maybe I am sick…" I mumbled before pulling myself closer to Soda, and drifting into a dreamless sleep.

__


	2. Chapter Two: 3:35 AM

****

Here we go, chapter two!

This chapter might be confusing to some. I apologize for that and any mistakes in this Fic

It's only 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm not asleep. 

The voices are yelling,

I'm going in deep.

I'm not falling

I'm not spinning

I'm just running fast.

Not running to safety

But to a danger up a head

Its a red brick wall-

I know if I hit it…I'm dead.

My shoes catch on fire.

Sweat runs down my face

My heart is beating

But not in a steady pace.

The wall is coming closer

The fire spreads to my back

Who will save me?

Its not a who

But it is a what.

Its shinny and sharp

And its used to cut…

Water is poured over me

The fire Is doused

I am knocked of the track 

And into the house

I fall on a nice soft bed

I am happy and free

I look at my bleeding leg

It wasn't five cuts

But only three….

I glance at the small clock the was hanging right about the desk, the light from my lamp barely making is visible so I had the squint to try to read the time.

It had just turned 3:35. 

__

Its now 3:35 AM and I still can't sleep. The voices in my head won't leave me alone. Yea I said voices…as a plural. There is more then one. Well, I guess there is.

Sometimes it's a men male voice, other times it's a lady with a voice that could make anyone shiver. Luckily she doesn't come out much. She makes me act…bad. I don't know any other way to put it. She tells me to hurt other people, and myself as well. But, I fight her as good as I can…

"Ponyboy? What cha' doin' up?" A groggy voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to see the slightly visible Sodapop sitting up.

"Just can't sleep, Soda…" I whispered. I knew if Darry heard us, he'd be in there in just little more then a second.

"Hmm, what's wrong baby?"

__

'Would he still call you, his little brother, "baby" if he knew what was wrong with you? If he knew what you did?'

" That's all. Can't sleep." I looked down at my note book, writing one last thing:

__

No, they wouldn't call me baby, if they new my secret.

Then I shut the book.

Soda got up and came towards me draping his arm around my shoulder. "Something else a' matter," He touched my forehead, I was starting to hate that. "You know you can talk to me, right Pon?" 

"I know." I mumbled. _You're wrong Soda…you're wrong._

"Soda?" I said quietly, I had to ask him a question it was killing me. 

"Hmm?" He pushed me out of the chair and towards the bed, once settle in, I turned to look at him.

"Is it my fault ..that Johnny and Dally are dead?" '_That was smart, be blunt why don't ya!"_

"Ponyboy! Heck naw!" I couldn't see him, but I knew he was staring at me wide eyed. "We've told you before it isn't. Is that what's bothering you?"

"Kinda…" I mumbled again. I didn't believe him, I didn't believe him at all. "Just forget it, lets go to sleep."

He said something, but I had stopped listening…selective hearing or something.

I might have said "Lets go to sleep."

But, I didn't sleep at all.

****

"Dang kid, you look like hell warmed over twice." Steve was staring at me.

Monday, two days after my "dazing" incident, It was barely 7: 30 and he was already picking on me.

"You look a corn dog…but just the stick!" He pulled on my sleeveless black shirt, which was very loose.

I guess he was right, I haven't slept for two nights and I didn't eat much to began with, but now I don't even remember eating at all.

Darry came in and handed me my jacket, his eyes looked me up and down, and he creased his brow in concern. "Maybe you should stay home today-"

"I can't!" I snapped, I honestly didn't mean to. "I mean…we have tryouts today during first and second block. Ya know for next years track team!"

Darry probably didn't know all that much about me, but he did know how much running meant to me…didn't he? "Alright. But if you feel sick or anything, You know mine and Soda's work numbers."

"Yea, yea." I waved my hand after pulling on my jacket. "I better g. I wanna do some early laps and stuff." 

I was gone before they could respond.

*

I stuffed my hands in my pocket, feeling the bulk of the gauze bandage wrapped around my right thigh.

I knew what laid under the gauze…semi- fresh cuts. 

That poem I wrote early Saturday morning wasn't just for fun, it was true…

After getting home Friday night and going to bed, I woke up, maybe an hour later, and everything just hit me like bomb.

I had to cut again…but it was only 3 cuts…I felt guilty about doing the other two that day. I wasn't sure why…I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I've been cutting more, a lot more. 

Later on Saturday, counting the 3 cuts from that morning, I had cut a total of 9 times…10 if you count the small nick I made. 

(1)On Sunday…maybe 8-13. That day was completely wiped out of my mind. Maybe it was 13...Steve and I fought on Sunday, I do remember that…not fist fight, but we had our share of words.

And this morning…just a few small nicks. Nothing that would open a spew blood during tryouts.

But I had to do something-

It helps me concentrate - honest it does!

I can push back all the other things that are and have happened and focus on my goal.

__

But you almost destroyed everything, didn't you Idiot? 

I winced but continued to walk the familiar path towards my school. The voice was right, I almost messed up big time. It was Saturday, the day after the "dazing" incident:

**__**

Flashback:

I didn't get more then hour of sleep that night, so I was kind of…slow. I waited until Soda woke up and got out of bed before I moved.

I threw my legs over the side of the bed, and forced my legs and arms to help the rest of me stand. Once I was up, I slapped my self -good and hard- trying to get just a bit of pain to help me concentrate for just a few minutes. 

I had cut earlier, before writing in my note book…

…I don't like calling it a journal or diary. It seems that those words can draw people to it like magnets…so its just my note book.

…so the small tingling sensation helped as well.

I slowly, dragged my feet out the door and to the kitchen where I heard the familiar voices of the gang…or what was left of it.

__

And remember, that's your fault… The voice had said.

When I entered the kitchen everyone seemed to go on mute. I stared at them for awhile, " 'Sup?" 

Then the talking slowly began, Two-Bit offered me some of his chocolate cake "Sorry took the last piece." But when I looked at the dark brown mass, that was rested on a light blue plate, my stomach began to churn. "Urg...no thanks."

There was that look again. I had either grown two heads, or they though I have went insane. Darry was about to say something when Steve cut in- "Pony, what's wrong with you leg?" I looked down and saw that blood had socked through my dingy faded blue jeans. It wasn't really big, but big enough to notice. The stain was about the size of a silver dollar or maybe a little bigger.

I guess, a few of the cuts have opened up.

__

No Idiot! You're just on your rag! The "regular" voice said sarcastically, _C'mon idiot use your brain for once!_

"Golly, I didn't even notice that. Dun' get work up or a nothing. I just fell last night. That's all."

I didn't give them a change to argue or anything. I was gone…

..I went into the bathroom and I cut five times…I had to.

…Then before going to bed that night I cut only once. This time, I wrapped it with gauze form the First Aid Kit.

**__**

End of Flashback

I cursed myself softly, I had been doing a lit of running lately. 

Not even sure what I'm running form anymore. 

I guess you can say its habit.

~*~*~

End of chap. 2. Yea I know this chapter sucked…but give me a break. Next chapter will be post either tonight or tomorrow bye

1. I'll write a side story for the fight, if you guys want me to.

__


	3. Side Story: The Fight

****

This has to do with Pony's and Steve fight that I mentioned in Chapter two of "Maybe I am sick" I'm putting it as an individual side story and a chapter…so yea.

Authors Question: Is Ponyboy in the 7th or 8th grade? He's 14...so wouldn't he be in the 8th?

******

Ponyboy was sitting on the living room floor. His Grammar book and a library book were both open on either side of him. Two Spirals laid opened, one was placed beside the Grammar book, while the other was on his lap, the black pen in his hand writing quickly as he looked back and forth between the library book and his Spiral note book, at times the blue pen, tucked above his ear, would fall and he'd stop and place it back on his ear and continue writing.

"Hey Pony!" Soda came in. And immediately stopped, taking in the scene of his little brother. He let out a slow small whistle, scratching his head. "Glad I ain't got to do that anymore." He crotch behind Pony to read over his shoulder. " _Borrowed Children_." He read from the top right hand corner of the open book. "Sounds like a deep book."

"It is." Pony murmured. "Its by George Ella Lyon. Its about a girl who lived during the 1930's, the time of the Great Depression, he mom got sick so Mandy, the girl in the book, had to give up school and stuff to take care of the family."*

"Wow that's tough. For homework?"

Ponyboy nodded. "Writing a short Essay, a what- would- we -do -if -we -were- Mandy type of thing."

Soda straightened up, and walked to the cough, collapsing on it. "Steve and I are gonna grab a burger or go to the movies -_something_- you wanna-"

Pony shut his library book and spiral. "Steve Randle? Steve doesn't like me."

"Aw Pon! He likes you just fine."

"I don't think so Soda."

"You've been stuck in this house all weekend, you coming or not?"

Ponyboy sighed, and slumped his shoulders then shrugged them. 

"Good." Soda nodded before standing back up, "Steve should be here in 30 minutes or so."

*

20 minutes later, Steve Randle came though the door, his hair done in its swirls, and a long neck beer bottle in hand. He was dressed in black jeans, white muscle shirt, and a black-jean vest. "Soda you ready?" He called without a 'hello'.

"Yea in a minute! Just to let you know Ponyboy's coming with us okay?" Soda poked his head out of the bathroom for a second then ducked back in.

"Sure why not, he always comes." Steve murmured under his breath, intending for Pony, who was sitting on the couch, to hear. "Kids job is to tagalong isn't it?"

"I _didn't _ask him if I can go, Steve. _He_ asked _me_." Pony said so quietly, Steve barely heard him.

"Isn't that what you always say? Shoot, don't you know the word 'no'?" Steve voice had an edge of anger.

"I say no but he insists." Pony's voice rose a fraction.

"Ya know kid. Have you ever though Soda would like just one day off of carryin' your leash!" Steve was standing over Pony now. "Even after the whole Sandy thing, all he cared about was you! For once he could've had some kind of happiness that didn't involve you. Have you ever though he might 'a wanna go meet someone or somethin'?

"I tell him he can leave if he-"

"He is afraid you'd do somethin' stupid again! Like what you did Saturday- you run off scarin' the shit out of him! Oh, lets not forget the big show you gave two months ago…you know the show that cause Dally and Johnny to die!" Steve anger rose dramatically, his fist were balled, and his eyes seemed to pierce daggers through Pony.

Pony stood then, his fist balled also. "That wasn't all my fault!"

"What the hell is going on here?" Soda entered the room then, his eyes widened when he saw the two people he cared about face to face.

"It-it wasn't my fault…" Pony repeated, his voice grew softer, but Steve's voice remained.

"Not your fault! If you would've have used that ~so-called~ smart-ass brain of yours two of our guys wouldn't be buried six-feet-under!"

"Steve stop it!" Soda yelled, now he was getting angry "It was NOT Ponyboy's fault!"

"Have you ever thought about it Soda! Damn, if this boy didn't tell Johnny to run away he'd be alive!"

Steve never yelled at Soda before, only if they were playing. "Don't yell at him, he didn't do anything!"

"Shut up kid! I wish you were dead…we all agreed that we could go on without any body but Johnny! Now he's dead!" He threw the bottle and it crashed against the wall near the television. "You might be Sodapop's brother but I hate you Ponyboy Michael Curtis. You don't know how bad I want to hit you right now." That said, Steve turned on his heel and bolted out the door, almost knocking into Darry who had ran in sometime hearing all the commotion.

"…the hell." Was all he could force out as he looked at both his younger brothers.

"Pony, you know its not your fault. Steve's just upset-"

"No…Soda. You wrong. For once I can say it…" He sniffled and touched his cheek, almost surprised to find out he was crying. Then he turned to face both his brother, and mustered up a small sad smile. "I'm sorry you guys…I slowed down your lives…and I'm sorry…Steve's right."

"Pon-"

"No Darry, he's right. Eve-Everything's my fault…and all I can say is that I'm sorry. Gosh…I really am sorry!" Ponyboy broke down, his face wrinkled up and the tears fell like water down a water fall. He let out a frustrated scream before jumping over the couch and into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind him.

"I'll kill him!" Surprisingly that comment came from Soda and he went for the door but was stopped by Darry.

"Pony comes first, we will deal with Steve later."

"I know but he had no right!"

"I know lil' buddy. Steve will get his, don't worry 'bout that. Pony is first right now."

*~*

For nearly 30 minutes Soda and Darry sat at the bathroom door, listening to Pony's sobs.

"I never heard him cry that much…" Soda whispered, fooling with a piece of string dangling from his blue and white checkered blouse.

Darry nodded, "I don't remember him crying at all these two months, you?"

"Naw…he whimpers in his sleep and stuff, but no tears."

"What's going on here?" They looked up to see Two-bit coming towards them. "Steve was at the lot breaking bottles and stuff…he seems very pissed. So…what all did I miss?"

"I wouldn't mention Steve around here for awhile, he blew up at Ponyboy just because Soda invited him to go with them."

"Oh rough…" He was silent "That's the Kid crying in there?"

He was answered with nods. 

"Honestly, its about time. Pony was gonna crack sometime….sound like he's having an emotional break down."

"And what would Keith "Two-Bit" Matthews know about break downs?" Darry raised a curios eye brow.

"Ah. Not much this chick came into our Health class one day and talked to us about Mental health like that. She said if a person keeps their feelings in long 'nuff they just go…ka-boom!" He sat down beside them. "I'll bring the pamphlet sometime so you guys can look at 'em"

"Maybe…" Soda sighed and brought his knees to his chest. "Its not his fault…he's just a kid…he didn't kill Johnny and Dally…"

"We know…he just doesn't. I believe Stev- I mean -HE knows too, he just pissed and depressed and blew up at Pony."

There was silence after that, only the sound in the house was of Pony's whimpering and sniffling.

**

Five minutes later, the crying stopped, and a soft click of the lock brought the 3 boys, in front of the door, to their senses.

Two-Bit stood and walked over to the couch, he didn't want Ponyboy to feel too crowded.

Slowly the knob turned and the door was pulled open.

Pony emerged his hair messy and eyes red. He didn't look up when Soda and Darry both put their arms around him in a small group hug.

"I'm sorry…" Pony said once again. 

"Shh baby, it okay." Darry stroked his youngest brothers hair…Pony's hair, which had grown more in the two month a little under half was still blonde the rest was coming back to his natural color.

Once Pony spoke about keeping it blonde….wonder is he still wanted to keep it bleached?

They broke apart and Pony looked over and gave Two-Bit a smile depressed smiled. "I'm really sorry Two-Bit." He looked down for a short time as if think about what to say, then he looked back up and slowly walked towards to older boy. "Re-remember the movies, when you said that we couldn't get along without Johnny? You were right…I hope you can forgive me someday."

"Dang Ponyboy, I didn' mean it like that!" Two-Bit grabbed Pony's shoulders "You're the only one, out of all of us, who really have a chance of makin' it! You have a chance of bein' something' …and doin' somethin' with your life!"

Pony just kept the same sad smile plastered on his face. "Soda…had to drop out so he could work full time at DX…just to keep me in school, and Darry…he's only 20, and he has 2 jobs. My fault. I'm just a big burden. You guys are wrong…Sorry …" He pulled away from Two-Bit. 

"I better finish my homework, its due tomorrow after tryouts. Boy do I wish I had English first or second block." He walked over the where he had left his homework and at back on the floor.

Grammar book to his right side…

…_Borrowed Children_ on his left side…

…blue spiral rested on the Grammar book…

…Red spiral on his lap…

…Black pen in hand…

…Blue pen tucked behind his right ear…

..greenish-gray eyes scanning the book before he wrote anything in his Spiral.

The way Sodapop had found him…before anything happened.

Like nothing happened.

~&~&~&~&

Well that's the Side Story _The Fight_. 

The book Borrowed Children wasn't published during the time of The Outsiders. But I remember reading that book in 7th grade. Isn't Pony in the 7th or something…or the 8th?


	4. Chapter Three: Hamlet

Thank you to all who told me what grade Pony was in. I just didn't know since here, Junior High/Middle School is from 7-9, and High School starts at 10th and goes through 12th. Thank you all!

Resources:

http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/mutilate.htm

~&~&~

Steve stared at his "best friend" Soda, who was sitting on a chair near the door of DX gas Station. On his lap he had different pamphlets that Two-Bit had brought over earlier that morning.

Steve sighed and wiped his greasy hands on his pants.

Of course Soda was still mad at him…a might be for a long time.

*

Soda kept his mind on the pamphlets, and not the boy who was looking at him. Steve had apologized many times since Sunday but his only reply was:

"Maybe you should say that to my little brother, and not me."

He had read 3 of the pamphlets so far, the first was on Breakdowns, the second was on Depression and the one he was reading was about a thing called Self-mutilation.

'_A disturbing situation has emerged among teens: the practice of self-mutilation." _He read, _'Teenagers who self-mutilate -- overwhelmingly girls and a quantity of boys-- are inflicting pain and injuries on their own bodies. While it's estimated that only one percent of the American population self-mutilates, the emotional issues that drive them -- and the physical fall-out from such practices as cutting and burning -- make self-mutilation a serious problem._

Cutting is but one of the self-mutilating behaviors adolescents may exhibit. Other common practices of self-mutilating behaviors include burning, bruising, breaking of bones (especially digits), picking at the skin or "wound interference" (the practice of producing a wound and not allowing it to heal).There is no stereotypical person who will choose to mutilate his or her own body. But experts say it's a process that stems from the inability to deal with stress or intense emotions. 

"Self-mutilation is a desperate attempt to have some control over unbearable feelings of aloneness, loneliness and helplessness," says Dr. Margaret Paul, therapist…. "When a teen or young adult has not learned healthy ways of managing these intense feelings, they turn to physical pain as a way to blot out the emotional pain or gain a sense of control over the pain they feel. In a strange way, they are really not trying to hurt themselves -- they are trying to protect themselves from something even more painful than the physical pain.'….

Soda placed down the pamphlet not wanting to read anymore. "My brother is not alone…he has me and Darry. Nothing's wrong with him." He thought to himself, yet he wasn't able to shake the feelings off of him that something wrong was going to happened that day. 

He stood abruptly letting the other pamphlets fall to the ground.

__

Suicide, one read as it-alone-flew away.

__

&^&^&

"I can't believe Marcus won against that Curtis kid!"

"Hey! I always won before he came along! I guess the finally realized that I'm Number One!"

"Yeah, sure. If you ask me, he _let _you win."

"But I didn't ask you, did I?"

The group of five walked right past me laughing but I remained unnoticed

Sighing with relief and anger I sat on the bench in front of my locker, breathing heavily. I stuffed my running clothes into the locker, then slammed it shut. 

__

Failure, that's what you are. A big time failure…second place. You're so called big break came and you fucked it up didn't you!

I winced, as the voice continued to curse at me, it was right. I'm nothing but a failure and a burden…

__

Why don't you do everyone a favor then, Ponyboy? You know they would be better off without you.

It was the lady, she always said my real name even though she said it in a tone of disgust. She was right too, the gang didn't need me. They needed Johnny…and even Dally. They didn't need Ponyboy Curtis.

I walked down the corridor and past the empty shower room, to the bathroom. I went into one of the pale yellow stalls, and quietly shut it behind me. 

__

Do it Ponyboy, just end it.

I took the razor from my back pocket a flipped it open.

__

That's it Ponyboy…

I stared at it for the longest time. The razor was a prized possession to me, almost like Two-Bits fancy jet-handled switchblade.

__

Yes…do it Ponyboy. End it right here and now. 

I didn't want to cut on my legs anymore, anyway they were too messed up anyway.

__

Doesn't matter where…just get a nice big vein Ponyboy…a nice and big one. The bigger…the quicker.

I stared at my pale arms…

…_It won't matter if anyone saw Ponyboy…you'll be gone. You won't have to worry about the brick wall anymore._

The brick wall, the one thing I was scared of. 

If I didn't kill myself…I knew it would!

I pressed the blade down on the once untouched and "innocent" skin. I followed one of the largest arteries on my arm. Then I repeated the process on my other arm.

It was cool how blood looked green under the skin when it was inside your body, but then it changes red when it comes out.

…that always amazes me.

There the artery is opened, and the blood is pouring out. More then I had expect.

__

Now…just wait.

I leaned against the cool metal of the stall and I close my eyes. 

"To be or not to be, that is the question.  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,  
And by opposing end them?."  


I recited _Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,_ that was written by Shakespeare. People have mocked the "To be or not to be" line…mostly Two-Bit. I remembered when he was looking through the fridge at our house.

"To be or not to be!" He had said "Shall it be beer with thy chocolate cake, or maybe chocolate milk. Ah. Thy beer call-est out my name."

The others had laughed to it…no me, he didn't understand what Hamlet was saying. 

He was saying would it be dignified to let yourself suffer and live, or just be a coward and end it all. Just…to end everything.

But I'm not noble, or dignified…I'm nothing. Just a coward.

__

…and a murderer.

Yes, a murderer. How could've forgot that!

In the distance I heard the bell ring, signaling all the students to go to their fourth block class.

Not me!

I let out a chuckle "Gosh, I worked on that assignment for English, now I won't be able to turn it in."

I sighed.

I felt awfully tired…but not a sleepy tired, that confused me. 

I wanted to stand but I found that my legs didn't want to work. 

I looked down to see that the blood running from my arms had soaked through my jeans turning them a midnight/scarlet color, and was forming a pool around me.

"How much blood is in a persons body?" I wanted to get up and go find the Physics teacher and ask him, but yea right.

Things were getting hazy…and spots were forming in front of my eyes.

"Curtis!"

Shit! It sounded like my head coach, Mr. Clemmons.

"Curtis you in here?"

How'd he know I was still here?

__

You left you bag and crap in the locker room you fucking Idiot!

"Oh my.." Coach Clemmons was standing in front of the stall, and the door was yanked open.

"Ponyboy!" He screamed kneeling beside me, "What the hell have you done?" I guess it wasn't a real question. He grabbed my right arm while unrolling tissue. 

"Y-you're wasting paper…" I mumbled out, looking at him a small smirk on my lips. "Coach Clemmons, I-I didn't let--I didn't let Marcus win…I was just tired…so-so tired."

"Curtis, what the hell are you talking about!" He pressed the tissue to both my arms, and immediately they were soaked. "Shit!" He pressed more tissue on my arms. "Someone call the paramedics!" He screamed, moments later another Coach came in.

"Charles is on the phone with them, they are coming." He said kneeling beside us. He cursed words as well, I just smiled.

"Do me a fa'or. Turn in my En'ish w-work…" I closed my eyes, "plea'e…"

* 

The pamphlet, _Suicide,_ blew by a black roofing truck as Darry placed a bundle of tiles onto the back of the truck. He wiped his forehead, then gave a slight shiver. He was sweating, and the air was cold…not the best combination.

A ambulance sped past them, "I wonder where they are going." One of his partners said, pushing the tool box down the bed of the truck.

"Not sure, but they're in an awful hurry."

"Yea, looks like they're going towards the school. Hope nothin' happened to the kids. My niece goes to THS."

"Yea, so does Pony…" As he said that his face paled, and his heart seemed to sink to his stomach.

*

~*~*~*~

Well, that is the REAL chapter 3! How was it…kinda choppy? Anyone have any ideas? If so, leave them in a review.

Also, I want to write another fic (with angst) anyone have any ideas?


	5. Chapter Four: ICU

****

AN: I post every other day. If I don't school work gets in the way…but it doesn't happened often.

~*~*~

Sodapop was placing the gas nozzle back on the gas pump when the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Steve called as he finished the check up of the car under the hood. "Looks okay from here Sir." He said and shut the metallic blue hood of the 1965 model Camaro. And he ran into the office to answer the phone.

"Well, she's filled up and ready to go!" He gave his bright one-of-a-kind smile to the middle age man in the driver seat.

"Thanks son." He man gave him the money with a little extra as tip and started the engine.

"Thank you for choosing DX and come back again!" Soda tipped his hat and the man nodded and drove off.

He then, while whistling "Do Your Ears Hang Low-", went inside the DX to put the money into the cash register.

"..Aright. I'll tell him." Steve placed down the phone and slowly turned to Soda. "Buddy?"

He got no reply.

"Soda, there was an accident at the school…Pony he-" He wasn't able to finish since Soda was out of the gas station and at the truck before Steve had realized.

"Shit." He curse then he went after his friend who was already starting out the drive.

~*~*~

Daryl walked through the doors of the roofing company building . He went into the lounge area where he started to pour himself a cup of coffee when his boss came in.

"Daryl, I need to speak to you in my office. Please?"

Darry stood there for awhile, the face of his boss was serious and concerned. "Sure." He then followed his boss out.

Inside the small office, Darry had a strange feeling that he had to sit down.

"Darry…the school called a few minutes before you walked in. Your youngest brother was taken to the hospital. They didn't tell me why…your other brother has already left. Please take as much time as you need. You can even borrow one of the truck if you'd like-"

Darry didn't even say thank you, he was out of the office in a heart beat, and towards the garage.   


"Ponyboy! Be okay, please." He prayed silently.

~*~*~

He intercom crackled and a voice broke through the thoughts of the few people in the waiting room _"Doctor Cera Turner you're needed in OR. Doctor Cera Turner to OR."_

N

Two-Bit stood, and stomped to the door of the waiting room looking around "Damn iit!" He cursed and punched the wall, "Where are they? And why haven't the doctors or someone-"

"Two-Bit calm down!" Cherry looked at him "We're all worried about Ponyboy." She said gently.

He turned to her and blinked a few times. "When did you get here Cherry?" He asked sitting beside her still confussed

She gave a small smile, "Right after you. Cheerleading practice was over so…when I saw…I…" She couldn't finish. She couldn't believe that the sweet little boy she had met at the Drive-In had done such a thing to himself. "H..he's going to be alright isn't he?" 

"I hope so…he's just a kid and a strong one, he can't die." He looked away. Just as he did his collar was grabbed and he was lifted out of the chair.

"What the hell happened to my brother!" 

Two-Bits confused and frightened eyes met Darry's hard ones.

"I-I don't know Darry."

"Put him down." Soda touched his older brothers arm. "Two-Bit what happened?"

Two-Bit straightened out his collar, "I-I don't know the whole story man,…I just saw them load him into the ambulance." He looked away again, this time he wasn't grabbed.

*

__

"Personal call for Doctor L. Shepard. Personal call Doctor L. Shepard."

Besides the walking of doctors and nurses, tingling of elevators, and voices on the intercom, everything was silent between the group…for two hours.

Two-Bit sat staring at the ceiling, his lips moving silently as he counted the dots on the wall from the plaster.

Steve was picking dirt from under his finger nails, or would go outside for a smoke and come back in and continue to pick at his finger nails

Soda, was still. His breathing was his only movement. His eyes were red and puffy from worrying and crying.

Darry was pacing back and forth, angry since he was getting no word of his little brother.

He stopped when a doctor came in, followed by a nurse.

"Family of Ponyboy Curtis?" The doctor looked around her eyes searching the people in the waiting room.

"Here." Darry said and Soda came to stand next to him. "We're Ponyboy's brothers."

She nodded, "I'm Dr. Cera Turner. Please follow me." 

Darry and Soda looked back towards their friends who just waved them on.

They and the nurse followed the doctor out into the gray and bleach white corridor. 

"What happened to him?" Darry snapped, not waiting for the doctor to begin. "No one has told us anything since we've been here!"

"Mr. Curtis please calm down. I'm sorry for your wait and worry. But to answer your question your brother attempted suicide at his school. He cut both arteries of his arm wide open resulting in massive loss in blood." She paused waiting to see if they had anything to say. "We just brought him out of surgery. We managed to rebuild and close both veins and gave him a blood transfusion. Right now he is in ICU We won't know how he is doing until the wakes up, but you may see him if you want."

With that said, she left.

"Follow me, if you will." The nurse said with a kind smile.

Slowly and silently they followed the nurse to the wide double doors down the hallway marked with the letters, I-C-U.

Inside there was a large room, with curtain cubicles going around it and in the middle was the nurses station.

They followed her past several cubicles of curtains . "Here we are." She said cheerily.

Soda gave her who-could-you-be-so-happy-with-my-brother-in-the-hospital?- look. She opened the curtain and stepped aside to let them in, once they were in she closed it behind them.

~*~*~

Soda's POV

~*~*~

Once I had stepped in, my hands started to get all clammy and stuff…like I was going on my fist date or somethin'.

I stood there for like eternity looking at my little brother. He looked so small in that big hospital bed. His face was colorless, the most color anywhere in the "room" was the mask that was covering Pony's face, it was a soft blue color…

Darry made the first move, he stepped forward and immediately took Pony's hand. "Hey baby." He said so softly, at first I couldn't believe it was Darry talking!

"I know you can hear me." He took one hand and stroked the part of Ponyboy's cheek that wasn't covered what the mask. His only answer was the light beep of the heart monitor and a sigh from, what I guess, the breathing machine. "Sodapop's here." He nodded his head towards the bed, summoning me over.

Slowly my feet took control and I walked over to the bed grabbing Pony's other hand. The one that had an IV stuck in it. "Hi Pony." I sat in a chair that was on my side, my thumb stroking Pony's fingers. "I take it you like the hospital huh? You're gonna be okay you hear me?" I looked at his bandaged arm, Darry was doing the same.

"Soda and I need you Pony. You're what's keeping us together." Darry said, he was obviously fighting tears.

"Yeah Ponyboy, you gotta wake up to see Darry cry." My eyes widened and I turned to see Steve and Two-Bit inside the small cubicle.

"How did you guys get back here? Its only two at a time." I hissed lowly.

"We'll one they weren't gonna let us back here. But, Two-Bit said we're your cousins and that we'd be leaving soon and needed to see Pony right away." Steve said.

I had to admit I was still mad at the boy, but he's been my best friend for a long time. I couldn't stop thinking either,….Steve wouldn't even been here if he really HATED Ponyboy would he? 

"Two-Bit you're something else." Darry mumbled, and sad smirk on his face.

All my attention went back to Ponyboy when he jerked both his hands away from me and Darry. 

"M-my fault…Jo-Jonny. Da-lly." He brow winkled up in fear. 

"Gods, he's having a nightmare…" I grabbed Pony's hand again. "C'mon baby, fight it."

"So..sorry, so sorry…" He whimpered. "…voice tell me to do it…voices…"

There was nothing I could do, I felt so helpless all I could do was watch my baby brother fight whatever demons were hunting him in his dream.

~*~*~

****

This isn't all, there another part to this…like another 'side story' its Ponyboy's dream. I'll post it today." Did you like it or hate it…I didn't like the beginning….let me know what you think.


	6. Side Story: Nightmare

****

This is Ponyboy's Dream.

A little creepy

~*~*~*

It was dark and cold, but I was sweating.

I brought my hand to my eyes to check and see if they were really open, and they were. 

I couldn't see anything. I knew I was waving my hand in front of my face but I couldn't see it.

I was so tried…

..So alone.

I felt like I've been walking for years. 

I wanted out! It was so dark…so cold

I continued walking, and it seemed that it was getting colder by the second. 

__

"I know you can hear me. You gave us quite a scare…you're still scaring us. C'mon Pony, open up those pretty eyes of yours." 

I stopped, that sounded like Darry. But where was it coming from? 

__

"I take it you like the hospital huh? You're gonna be okay you hear me?"

Soda! That was Soda! "Soda help me please!" My mouth formed the words but nothing came out. 

__

"Soda and I need you Pony. You're what's keeping us together."

"…keeping us together."

"..together…"

The phrased echoed throughout the darkness, bouncing on something. There had to be a way out! I started running…I was running hard and fast.

__

You're running for noting Ponyboy!

It was the voice again. No…not the voices please…I wanted to get away from them!

__

You're running now? When you're a loser…second place. Pathetic! The voice spat at me.

I continued to run, then I hit something…

…something solid and hard. 

I landed on my backside. I shook my head trying to shake out the surprise, I pushed my self up and reached forward to touch whatever was in front of me.

Hmm…it had a sorta…bumpy texture. Like a brick building or a wall.

"No!" My mouth and voice worked together then. "The wall! No!"

I backed away from it. 

A light came on then. 

Johnny and Dallas stood in the light…their arms were reaching towards me.

Dally was wearing the clothes he had on the night he die…blood oozing from the bullet holes. Johnny was still burnt, his eyes looked empty..so empty.

"Pony…" Dally murmured and fell to the ground face first.

"Dally!" I ran to him, "No…it's not real!" I looked up at Johnny he was just string at me…

"Johnny I'm so sorry…"

"Your fault…" He pointed a bunt and blistered finger at me. "Your fault…"

"My fault…I'm sorry so sorry!" I held my ears, more voices were blaming me. I stood and ran, but I was trapped, the wall was closing in…. "No someone get me out!" 

__

"C'mon baby, fight it."

It was Soda voice again…

I can't fight it Soda…I can't…I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

The wall was getting closer…the lights went out again, but the voices remained.

"Your fault…"

"You killed your parents and your friends…"

"It's all your fault…"

"….your fault."

~*~*~

****

So? Review?


	7. Chapter Five: Weeping without Tears

****

I'm tired, and there are some warnings for this chap.

SAP and its SHORT…and STUPID. I might edit it later…but I'll post the next chapter soon…also errors

*~*~*~

During his nightmare Ponyboy had flung around so much he pulled out and screwed up some of his IVs, doctors and people were yelling. 

"I'm sorry but will you please go back to the waiting room, you're in the way." One of the nurses told us, but I continued staring at Pony. One of the nurses brought in a piece of torn cloth, and I took a glimpse at her.

"What is she doing?" Soda asked the same thing I wanted to.

"We're going to have to tie him down before he hurts someone or himself."

"Don't you dare do that!" Darry yelled, he moved forward pushing past the nurse, "Don't put that on him!" he snatched the cloth from the nurses hand.

"You're gonna make his nightmares worse!" Soda said as he moved after Darry, he moved in front of a doctor and took Pony gently in his arms.

"Shh baby, it's gonna be okay. I'm here." 

Darry I moved behind him, stroking Pony's hair. "Rest little brother, okay?" Slowly Pony's screaming a subsided to small whimpering then to a soft breathing.

I turned angrily to look at one of the doctors, but I didn't say anything. If I had, the fuzz would be in to arrest me of treating the doctors.

…maybe I did care about the kid.

~*~*~

The next three days were mirror images of each other. We'd be forced home the pervious night, wake up in the morning, wait till visiting hours came, went in to see Pony, that brod Cherry Valance -who had left on Monday before we got in to she Pony- would come in and sit with him while we went for a short lunch, then we'd come back sit in the room until we were forced out again.

The fourth day after the accident, a Thursday, Cherry couldn't come since there was a basketball game that evening, so I volunteered to watch Pony while the others went out to get some lunch.

Darry objected as if there was no tomorrow but Soda had pushed him out of the room. He hadn't forgiven me…I didn't expect him to anytime soon, but I guess we're still friends…

"…I just want you to forgive me Ponyboy." I said out loud, I looked at his still form, he got a little of his color back since Monday but he was still awfully pale. "I'm sorry, Kid. I went way outta line on Sunday. I was mad…ya know? Sodapop has been real worried 'bout you…and I hate seein' him in pain. I mean he's my buddy!…you are too if you wont the truth…and well, if ya can hear me, I'm sorry."

"Urg…can you wait until I get the media in here to apologize?," Had that just came from Pony? He still had his eyes close but his lips were moving, "I can see the headlines now, Steve Randle Apologizes to Tagalong." He chuckled, "it would make some headline, huh?" He turned his head and looked at me.

"Pony…" I was speechless, I wanted to say something but what?

"Apology accepted." He gave a small smile.

"Pony you're awake!" It had finally hit me. I stood, knocking over the chair, and hugged him.

"Ow…hey the arms!" I pulled back looking at him.

"You okay?"

He nodded, "Yea…tired, but I don't wanna sleep anymore."

"Alright then." I set my chair back up and sat it in. "Darry and the guys went to get some lunch they'll be back in a few."

"Oh, I was about to ask that," He went silent finding the white sheet interesting all of a sudden.

"Pony?"

"How am I gonna face Soda and Darry? I messed up again…big time. If they don't have a ulcer by now by worrying about me…that'll be a shock!" tears were running down his pale cheeks, "I wanted to stop the pain…" He rubbed his face fiercely. "Just wanted to stop it." 

He wasn't crying anymore, but his eyes were sad…he let a gasping noise---the kid was weeping without tears.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, "You gonna be ok, don't worry."

"…I'm some messed up kid."

*

The other guys came in soon after Ponyboy had calmed down, Sodapop was hugging onto him like a twister was rampaging through Tulsa.

Darry, Superman…or Superdope even was and the verge of tears. He hadn't taken his eyes off the kid since he had came in.

Two-Bit, was just being Two-Bit, he gave Pony a newgie until Darry pulled them apart. But it didn't stop him from making remarks…Two-Bits new nick-name for Pony will be Sleeping Beauty.

All in all…everything was….happy sorta.

…The food, starting to get cold, was left on touch on the floor.

~*~*~

****

MY GOSH THIS CHAPTER WAS SAPPY OR STUPID! OR MAYBE EVEN BOTH!


	8. Chapter Six: Visits

"No ma'am! I ain't gonna see any shrink." I looked at this Dr. Turner, my eyes locked with her dark brown ones. "I might be a little sick, but I ain't some nut case." I flung the sheet off of me, and threw my legs over the edge, I wanted to go home!

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked when I stood up.

I threw on the rough robe that the hospitals provided and glared at her, "I've been awake for six days now, I'm going home!"

She placed her arm in my way, blocking the path to the door. "How will you get there? Your brothers aren't here and you'll catch pneumonia if you tried going out there."

I growled under my breath.

"Growl all you like, but you're staying in this hospital. Now, I've talked to your brothers about seeing Dr. Griffin, he's the psychiatrist, he-"

" 'evaluates the mental stability of a patient then is able to subscribe medication, unlike a psychologist.'" She was staring at me.

"I go to school, I might be a greaser but I do learn."

"I wasn't thinking that Michael."

I rolled my eyes, "That's my middle name, ya know?"

She sighed, "The final discussion is up to you."

She started to turn and walk off.

"Isn't there a therapist who I'd also see…someone who I can talk to?" I looked at me hands.

"Of course, Ponyboy."

I sighed, "Alright, I'll see them…"

"Good." She came over and placed her hands on my shoulders. "You can get an evaluation today is you want."

I sighed in defeat and just nodded.

~*~*~

My first impression of Dr. Griffin, the psychiatrist, to put it lightly was that he was an old bastard.

Not once did he look up from his note pad to look at me, I'm not sure if he even knew I was a greaser of not!

He asked his questions bluntly, "Why did you attempt suicide?" or "Why do you cut your self?"

I hope I never have to see him again!

I bet he didn't even listen to my responses, he just went 'uh-huh' or 'I see' for the fun of it. Maybe he was just doodling on that pad of his…I bet he was.

He did look up to glance at the clock, then he looked back down and scribbled something. "I'm going to prescribe you Nardil." He held his hand out with the small piece of scribbled on paper. "Just hand it to the girl at the front desk, she'll get it for you."

I walked out without a word.

"How was it?" Darry jumped up the minute I walked out the door. I placed the prescription on the woman's desk and the took it and got up, going to a back room.

I looked at Darry, "I don't wanna see him again." I picked up the clipboard and signed my name on the sign out sheet.

"Dr. Griffin is like that to everyone." The woman said coming back, she handed me a blue bottle with a brown label. "Your evaluation was paid for and there's a sample of the Nardil." She gave me a smile and I returned it, then Darry and I left.

*

The next stop was to the therapist. Actually it wasn't really a drive or anything. Both places were in a building close to the hospital…an easy walk.

Doctor Cera Turner was sitting in the front room when Darry and I walked in.

"Well, that was faster then I had expected." She gave me a smile, I didn't return it- I'm sick of forcing out fake smiles. "Didn't like Dr. Griffin, I see."

"That's the understatement of the century…" I mumbled.

"Oh, don't worry you'll only see him once a month."

I rolled my eyes, "I'd like never better."

"Pony." Darry said as her placed him hand on my shoulder, giving in a squeeze.

"Alright. Let me get this over with."

*The doctor was a woman, she was okay…I mean she looked at me when I came in….but I didn't dare start liking her.

"So, Ponyboy." She gave one of those smiles that didn't look fake but it could've been fake. "I like that name, its very unique.

I didn't say anything, I was sitting there just studying her name plate tat was on the edge of her desk. "Ginger Dawn" it read.

"It was hand carved," She said picking it up and handing it to me. "I went up northwest and in one of the few remaindering Indian tribes, there was a man and he carved it for me. It was amazing really, I didn't tell him my last name, just he put the sun raising about the meadows behind my name...symbolizing Dawn"

"Its beautiful." I said as I ran my fingers over the carvings one last time before placing it back on her desk.

"So, you're fourteen and in high school."

"Yes, I was moved ahead."

"Oh, gut! You like school?"

"I love school actually. Gut? What's that?" I stared at her, maybe she was the one sick.

"Heh, gut means good. It's German. Some times I just start talking in it, habit I guess."

"Oh."

"Well, are you thinking about going to college in the future."

I nodded, "Uh-huh, even if I wasn't Darry would make me go."

"Daryl, you're brother?"

"Yes…he never got the chance to go, after…" I trailed off and looked away.

"I heard about it, you parents death, and I'm sorry." She cleared her throat thinking about something else. "What do you want to do after you graduate?"

"I dunno, I never thought about it. But I'd like to be a writer someday, other then that I don't know."

"Tell me about writing Pony, what do you write about?" She leaned forward.

"Mainly life." I shrugged, "I like writing poetry and stuff…it's like my secondary relief."

"Oh? What would your first be?"

"I-I don't want to talk about it." I felt dirty all of a sudden…everyone knows, even Darry and Soda. The doctors had found my scars…they told, they told everyone. Now they knew how much of a freak I was.

__

That you are…

"Alright that's your choice." She took a card out from one of the holders and wrote something on the back. "Here is my home number. If you ever need any help…or you just want to talk. Call me." She smiled.

"You can go now, if you want." She stood when I did "It was super meeting you." Then she hugged me. "Call me for anything.

I was stunned. No one besides my parents and brothers have ever hugged me. I hot forgot how nice it felt to be hugged like that. Not rough…but gentle…like mom.

"Dr. Dawn?" I was finally about to talk "When do I get to see you again?"

"…Well, every two days at one o'clock until you go back to school…then we'll talk about it." She paused, "But, of course you can see me whenever you need to."

I nodded then turned to door knob, "Thank you." I opened the door and stepped out shutting it behind me.

*

Outside of the door, I found Darry sitting with Dr. Turner in a pair of chairs down the hall. They were too involved in their conversation to know that I was there.

"…how he's doing." Darry was saying.

"Well, I'm sure he's fine. Dr. Dawn is very nice and relates with the kids-"

"Yea, she is nice. Can we go now?"

They both turned and looked at me in surprise, Darry was giving me that look he and the guys gave me so often.

I'm-worried-about-you look mixed with the you-scare-me look.

I hated it…

__

Makes you angry doesn't it…?

Not only did people know I cut myself…they know about the voices…they just don't know that they are still here.

While crossing the street toward the hospital, I remember the first time Soda asked me about the voices…

*

Soda and I were alone in the room just watching TV….or flipping through it.

"Nothings on!" I flipped back into bed, and Soda stood and cut the television off. "Oh well, I wanted to talk to you anyway."

"About what?" I shifted uncomfortably…I hated being alone with only one of them, if made me feel uneasy…cause I knew they were gonna ask me questions or something.

He took my hand in his, but he wasn't looking at me. "You scared me a lot you know…"

"I'm sorry…" I felt ashamed.

"Every time you say sorry…its gonna scare me…" I looked at him, he had tears in his eyes. "Pony…why? That's all I wanna know, if why."

I couldn't answer it…I could, but I didn't want to. 

"Is it the voices? You hear voice right?"

"How did you know?" I said in chock, then I mentally kicked myself.

"You…you were havin' a nightmare the day they brought you in. You said something about voices…and a wall…what did you mean?"

I couldn't lie to him, Soda knows when I'm laying. "They talk to me…taunt me…they were the ones who told me to hurt myself." I pulled my hand from his, I didn't want him to get dirty…I didn't want him to catch my disease.

"Pony…"

"Lets not talk about it right now, 'kay Soda?" 

He just looked at me, that look everyone gave me….

~*~*~

When we made it back to my hospital room, I folded the gown that I had threw on the ground while Darry dumped my clothes and stuff in bags.

"So, you liked the therapist?" 

He asked standing next to me, folding clothes and dumping them in the bags.

"Yea, she's better then that Griffin guy."

That was the end of that convocation…back to uneasy silence.

"Look Darry…I'm sorry." I bit my lip, I knew they hated me apologizing…it scared them.

"'Bout what Pony?" He turned to me.

"I…I" I stopped, what was I trying to say? "We won't be able to pay off this hospital bill…and know I've piled more on us…" Darry grabbed me.

"Stop it Pony! I'm sick of you blaming your self…just stop!"

I looked down, feeling guilty again. I couldn't look at him anymore, he was tired…he was tired because of me. Because I'm stupid…just stupid.

Doctor Turner came in soon afterwards, with the relief papers.

As Darry signed them…I couldn't help but be scared…

What was waiting for me at home?

Pity… Grief ..Worry…Sadness…

…Voices. No, the voices were with me every where…


	9. Chapter Seven: Different

It was strange being at home. 

I sat on the edge of Soda and my bed, refolding my t-shirts and putting them in the drawer. Darry was in the room hanging up my pants and things in the closet. Something we normally did anyway…helping each other put away clothes and stuff.

The strange thing was that the house was quiet.

I sighed and if on queue Darry turned to me, "You okay?"

I nodded, not saying a word. Saying things lead to convocation and convocation lead to questions. I hated questions, cause it meant they wanted to know more about stuff.

Stuff they already knew some about.

They knew about the voices, and my cutting…

I looked at the bags on the floor, they were all empty…

__

Empty like you…

Yes, empty like me.

"Is there any chocolate cake Darry?" I asked, surprising him. During my hospital stay I didn't really eat anything…

"Course Pony." He went out and I followed hi to the kitchen. "Soda made at least one every time he came home from visiting you…"

I felt guilty once again.

As he took out the cake, I opened the drawer that the knives usually were.

Nothing…

I opened another.

Only spoons were in that one.

"The hell…?" I said the myself quietly. I heard the door of the fridge shut.

All of the drawers were empty…a few can openers and spoons were around…but that was it. No knives or forks!

"Darry? Where are the forks and stuff?" I didn't want to put 'knife' first…I turned but he wasn't there.

"Darry?" At the moment he came back through the door holding a knife and a box of plastic forks.

"Trying to…um, save of the water bill."

He was a lousy liar.

__

They are hiding them from you Ponyboy…they don't trust you.

My stomach became upset, "I don't want any anymore…" I mumbled and brushed past him.

He called out my name, but I rushed inside my room and I slammed the door, that's when I notice the lock was gone. 

Their trust is gone…

I checked the bathroom…the lock was gone from there too! I looked in the cabinet, the razors and other sharp stuff were gone..

__

Am I right, or am I just right?

I sighed in defeat and went back into my and Soda's bed room where I began crying.

__

Stupid fool. What were you expecting anyway?

I was expecting things to be normal…just to be normal.

__

It's your fault

Yes, I know that.

Darry came into the room a few minutes later and sat on the edge of the bed. "Baby, you gotta eat something." He said and placed his hand on my head.

"Not hungry."

"Pon, c'mon you haven't eaten since yesterday."

"I said, I'm not hungry." I didn't look at him, I wasn't crying but my eyes were red and puffy. "When Soda getting off?"

He sighed, "He'll be here and a few."

Good. Soda would be home soon and he won't treat me differently. Would he?

At that moment the front door opened and slammed shut 

Two-bit…he always slammed the door.

I had to look up then, and Darry looked at me…"You've been crying."

Duh! I sighed and got up when Two-Bit started yelling "Any Curtis's alive in here!"

Darry winced and I knew why, his baby brother tried to kill himself. I didn't say a word to him, I bolted out of the room, gaining energy all of a sudden, and jumped on Two-Bits back. "Hey!" Golly I missed HIM something awful!

"Hey Hey! Ponyboy Curtis, back from the dead, hm?" I jumped off his back, he could make a joke out of almost anything, and I liked that.

"You could say that." He then draped is arm over my shoulder, and pulled me in close as if he was about to tell me a secret. "You doin' okay?" All humor left his face…and he went into serious mode…wow, Two-Bit serious…that doesn't fit.

Oh no, not him too!

"Yea, m'okay." I turned and looked out the screen door when I heard foot steps running to the door. Soda whipped open the door, almost hitting Steve who was directly behind him, and he then ran to me pulling me into a tight hug.

"Urg, I missed you too Soda, lighten up some please?" He let me go and stared at me. His eyes searching my eyes for something then his frown deepened when he didn't find anything.

"You okay?"

"Yes, I am fine." I didn't want to see him or any of them now….

__

Things are different.

My happiness faded away and I dropped unto the couch with a -huff-. "Why happened to the forks, knifes and the locks?" I asked all of s sudden, surprising them and myself.

"We um…" Soda was searching for the right words in his head.

"We are watching after you, is all." Darry spoke up, "Dr. Turner suggested that you'd be placed under some watch program called 24-7."

"Ah."

What could I say? No? No, I don't want that?

"Ich bin fein." I mumbled.

"What?" They gave my that look again….Ponyboy grew two heads!

__

Yea, that's smart speak to them in German!

"I said I'm fine…"

"You're fine?" Darry crossed his arms. "You tried to commit suicide and you say you're fine?"

"I was under a lot of stress, t seemed like the right thing to do."

"Right thing to do?" Soda gasped. "How can **suicide **seem like the right thing to do. You almost DIED Pony!"

Yea…almost. I really wished I had. The continued to talk to me, I wasn't listening. My mind was on one thing.

Cutting.

I wanted to cut…I wanted to hurt myself somehow…

That's when Two-Bit lit a cigarette and stood to smoke it outside, not wanting to hear the argument.

Fire…heat…flames…sparks…fire…fire…fire.

"Well?"

"Hm?" I blinked and looked at Darry. What the hell was he saying?

"Promise you won't cut again…and if you need to, come and speak to one of us. Okay?"

I looked and him and I gave me my _honest_ smile. "I promise Darry." Of course I won't cut…There's other things.

Voices inside my head started to snicker, thing a much deeper voice spoke up…one that I hadn't heard before. _Good boy. Very, very good and smart boy._

~*~*~*~

__ ****

SORRY FOR ERRORS I HAD TO UPDATE. SO, YET. HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	10. Chapter Eight: Flame Dancer

It was to days after I had gotten out of the hospital when the guys invited me to go watch a new movie that had came out in the drive in.

It was some new movie about the old west, I wasn't really paying attention to it at all, I just sat there biting my finger nails until Soda grabbed my hand. "Stop that." 

I gave him a small smile, and he released my hand looking back at the screen.

__

How long do you think you can last…I'm sure you can find some kind of glass laying around here, c'mon Po-

"No." Dammit, I caught myself too late…I said it out loud.

"What?" Two-Bit was starring at me, I'm glad he was the only one who heard me.

"I was thinking…um…do you wanna go and grab a coke or something."

"Sure, this movie isn't in my taste and I wanna check out some of the girls anyway." He gave me a quick wink and stood up, and I stood with him. "We'll be back guys." He told the others.

I noticed Darry gave me that look when he was worried about something. But, I just gave him a smile then Two-Bit and I left.

The line was pretty long, I guess other people didn't like the movie either. Two-Bit was leaning against the railing as I was, his arms crossed.

"So you gota' appointment with that lady doctor tomorrow?"

"Dr. Dawn? Yea," I nodded, scooting up when the line moved. "Better her then Dr. Griffin." I had a smirk remembering that old bastard.

"That's tuff I guess."

I noticed that Two-Bit was uncomfortable, I guessed he didn't know what else to say. Why did he bring it up in the first place.

We remained silent until we got to the front where we placed our orders.

"I'll have a large pop corn, large coke, one of those big pretzels with mustard, nachos with cheese-but don't put those jalapenos peppers on it, just the juice- and some…hmmm chocolate covered Bon-Bons. Hey Pon, should we get anything for the others?"

I stared at him with disbelief…"Um…they already have some stuff."

"In that case add a Hot Dog to my order! Thanks doll!" Two-Bit winked over at the woman who gave him a blank stare before moving on, getting the food.

A man came over and asked for my order, "I'll just have a medium diet Coke." He nodded and grabbed a cup walking over the soft drink fountain dispenser.

"A diet Coke?" Two-Bit stared at me. "Kid, you're loosing a lot of weight. Why are you on a diet?"

"I'm not…I'm just," I paused trying to think of something. "If I ever get back on the track team I want to be in shape." The man came over with my coke, and I paid for it walking slightly past Two-bit so those behind me could order.

"Well, right now the online shape you have is the shape of a stick. The guys are worried." The woman brought over Two-Bits order and the price of it all and he paid.

"Sorry…" I said quietly, and we both walked over to the gang.

*

5 minutes later I hadn't even taken a sip of my drink. "Steve, you got a cancer stick?" I leaned forward to look at my 'former' enemy. 

"Yea, sure." He began to reach into his shirt pocket with Darry stopped him.

"I don't think so lil' buddy. You don't need it."

"Aw Darry, please?" I begged, but he shook his head. "What is one little stick going to hurt?"

__

Not much is you don't do with you WANT to do…

"Fine, but only one." He settled back in his seat as Steve handed me the cigarette and lighter.

"I'll be back." I called and rushed off before anyone stopped me.

I settled against the other side all of the bathroom and lit the slim white stick. I inhaled deeply, the smoke burning the back of my throat. I stared at the cigarette the color of the red hot embers glittering from under the gray ashes.

__

They are begging for you to use them…they are nice and hot…C'mon Pony boy…C'mon…

The voice hissed in my head, things started going out of focus at that intense.

__

C'mon…

I brought the cigarette to my lips and in healed again, once move the orger colors embers flickered brightly.

I took the stick from my mouth raised my shirt where I clumsy placed it against the top of my hip bone. I hissed as pain screamed throughout my body, and I twisted the cigerrte until the pain subsided and the hot embers were smothered out.

I slide down the wall, letting out a long sigh…I felt so good. But not good enough.

I flipped opened the top of Steve's silver lighter and the flmae dancer appeared before me. Her hips moving slowly…her hands above her head…she danced for me…the flame dancer dance…

Danced…

…she danced until she reached my side where she bit into my flesh, her hot body rubbing into to small area of my skin…

The pain that the flame dancer brought to me was the pain that I needed….\

But I had to let her go, I flipped the top back down onto the flame dancer…she was gone.

I stood up, shakily…and dropped the now bent and half used cigarette to the ground. I sighed deeply trying to get rid of my shakes. What she fuck did I just do!

__

You did what you wanted to do.

No…But, the voice was right. I wanted the pain, I needed the pain.

All truth, I'd do anyway the get the pain.

I sighed once again and walked back towards where my gang was…

__

*~*~*~

The next chapter should be added today!


	11. Chapter Nine: Comfort of the Water

AN: I meant to post this earlier but my computer has been messing up…not to mention life is being a bitch to me.

*

The next morning I woke up around 11 o'clock, later then most times. I sat up and stretched before throwing my legs over the side of the bed. 

When I moved, the slight pain in my side reminded me of what I did last night…the flame dancer.

I stood up, maybe a little too fast cause I got dizzy, I quickly sat down to catch my breath and get my eyes in focus.

"Pony!" Someone called my name and I looked to see Steve standing in the doorway, his mouth covered with chocolate. "Darry told me to come and- geeze kid you okay? You're all pale and shit." He stepped towards me but didn't touch me.

"Yea, I'm fine. Stood up too fast I guess."

"Well, you have two hours until your appointment. So, Darry wants ya' up now." With that he turned to leave glancing over his shoulder before his disappeared.

I stood up again, slower this time and shuffled to the bathroom. Once inside I shut the door and my hand subconsciously went to the door knob wanting to lock it.

__

No locks you idiot. The voice reminded me.

I sighed again and let my hand drop to my side. I went over to the bath tub and placed the stopper over the drain and began filling the tub up with water.

I began to undress with difficulty, over the last couple of days every joint in my body started to hurt. Really bad…I had guessed it was because I was in bed a lot. 

Finally after maybe 3 minutes the last piece of clothing fell to the floor. 

I was starting to unwrap the gauze around my left arm when I notice how different my body looked.

I ran my chest to my stomach….my ribs were showing…a lot. 

My stomach was sunked in, my help bones stuck out….

Skin…Bones…and scars. That was my body.

I looked into the mirror. Man, I do look like shit. My face was pale, I had large dark circles around my eyes…Was this what the guys saw everyday?

I sore my eyes away from the mirror when I noticed the tub was about to over flow. I took the stopper out to let out some of the water and got in.

The warm water ease the aches of my bones…and I sighed with mental pleasure.

__

Wouldn't you like to feel like this all of the time? Relaxed…? Just let the water take you…take you away from the pain…

The voice was soothing…so soothing I wanted to listen…I had to listen.

I shut my eyes and sunk under the warm water, holding my breath tight.

Oh boy the water it felt so good…just feeling the liquid just envelope me. It felt as if I was in a warm fuzzy blanket in the middle of a snowy winter. I was under until my lungs screamed at me for air...and for a second, I wanted to ignore them. I wanted to just keep holding my breath until my heart stopped…stopped, ending all my pain.   


__

Yes, just stay…stay under…

I didn't hear the voices calling my name

I didn't hear the knocking on the door…

I didn't hear the door open…

But, I did hear the scream…

I was roughly pulled out of the water before I knew it. "What the hell are you doing?!" Soda was screaming at me, holding my roughly by the shoulders…Soda was never rough with me.

"I…I…I dunno." I stared into his eyes…his scared eyes. Had I scared him that badly? "Sorry…I just…"

He cut me off by hugging me. "Oh God, I got so scared when you didn't answer us calling you…I thought…"

"Hush Sodapop, would gonna' get your shirt all wet." I rolled on with what he was doing, I guess he really didn't realize what I was really doing.

He pulled back and I smiled at him. 

"C'mon, you gotta get dressed." He said and stood up, picking up some clothes off the ground. "Here. I just ironed them…but I dropped them when…" He trailed off as he placed the clothes on the sink.

"Sorry…" I said again.

"Don't say that." He turned to look at me again.

"Um…Verzeihen Sie mir?" I tried, with a shrug, then I noticed that the others were standing outside the door. But I attempted not to notice them.

He started at me for a second. "What? Don't be using that Chinese on me."

"It's German, I said 'forgive me'."

"Oh shut up and get dressed." He laughed and left the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. 

I pulled my self out of the bath tub and quickly dried myself off, before getting dressed. I attempted to comb and grease my hair without looking in the mirror…I didn't want that creature looking at me again.

__

That creature is you…

I know…

*

Darry and Soda were the only ones inside the kitchen when I entered. "Where's Steve and Two-Bit?" I asked looking around.

"They went home. Here sit and eat." Darry placed down a plate of eggs and bacon.

My stomach churned.

"Naw, I'm not hungry."

"You didn't eat yesterday at all." Darry was staring at me, his arms crossed. "And you're not hungry."

The crossed arms…I knew I shouldn't play with him. "Maybe I am…a little."

I sat down and spooned around with my eggs before I took a bite. My stomach didn't like that…it growled and bubbled.

I moaned slightly, which made Soda and Darry turn to look at me.

"Maybe I should stay with the bacon…my stomach doesn't like the eggs." I took a crispy piece of bacon and chewed on it, not really wanting it.

I managed to get 1.5 strips of bacon, half a biscuit and a sip or two of orange juice before I pushed my plate away.

"I'm stuff!" Soda gave me a look, but he didn't say again- which I was grateful for, but that didn't stop Darry from saying anything.

"You didn't even half of what's on your plate."

"I know…" I paused searching for something to say, "But, my stomach is acting up. I'll take some Tums or something when we get home. Any-who, isn't it time to go? Its almost 12:30?"

"Oh shoot, you're right." Darry took a large gulp of coffee, and headed out, Soda and me at his heels.

…That's when I noticed that both of them were "dressed out", Darry was wearing the one pair of black dress slacks he had and a neatly ironed white shirt, while Soda was wearing what looked to be crisp new jeans, a red t-shirt which was under a blue and red plaided blouse.

"Why are you guys so dressed up?" I found myself picking are my jeans that had a hole in the knee.

"Well, you're therapist called early yesterday morning, and asked us to come in." Darry said plucking the keys from the coffee table.

"And why didn't anyone inform me of this?" I was getting angry…or just scared.

"We jus thought you wouldn't mind, is all Pon?" Soda said as he ran his comb once more through his hair.

"Why does she want you guys there?" Alright, yep, I was scared.

"We don't know, she jus asked us to come. C'mon or we're gonna be late."

There was nothing I could say both of them were out the door, I could do nothing but follow.

*

The ride to the Therapist was long…Doctor Dawns office was about 30 minutes away from our house.

I stared straight ahead. Not seeing anything… My brain wouldn't stop thinking all the time…

Why…?

Why did she want them…?

I'm scare…very scared.

__

You're just a wimp!

Yes, I am.

__

You hate you're self…

Yes, I do.

__

Don't say anything to that doctor, she'll ruin everything…

I won't say anything.

__

Good, you're such a good boy.

No…I am not.

*

Well, the ending was dramatic! Hehe…remember the more reviews the faster chapters go up!

__


	12. Chapter Ten: Teenage Suicide

We waited in Doctor Dawn's office until fifteen minutes after my appointments were suppose to have started.

1:15 PM.

I tapped my finger nails…actually my finger tips.. on the arm of the chair I was sitting on.

1:16 PM

Doctor Dawn ran in at that moment, her arms filled with files and a plastic container. "I'm so sorry!" She started and placed everything on her desk. "The place I have lunch at screwed up my order!" She then stuck out her hands towards my brothers. "Hello, I'm Ginger Dawn. Ponyboy's therapist."

Darry shook her hand first. "I'm Daryl Curtis, Pony's oldest brother. "

"And I'm Sodapop Curtis, Pony's second oldest brother. " Soda shook her hand next.

"Its nice to meet both of you. " She gave a quick smile and sat down in her large black leather chair.

"You must be wondering why I called your brothers in here, Pony." She then went into serious mode. "I'm worried about you. Very worried." She then went trough some of the files until she came to a black note book. "When this was given to me," she stopped and looked at me, "When did you first start keeping a journal Pony?"

I let my mouth hang open, "Where did you get that?"

"It's not really the point. Now, when did you start keeping a journal?"

"Depends on what you call a journal. I started writing stuff when mom and dad died." I slid down in my chair and nibbled on my finger nails. 

"When did you start writing in a note book?"

"When I killed Johnny and Dally."

"You killed your friends?"

"I was the cause of it…"

"Pony, we've told you-"

"I was the fucking cause of it!" I screamed at my brothers…It was my fault…all my fault.

"Pony," She handed the opened note book to me. "This scared me…all of your poetry is like this."

"Why does it scare you?" I showed my wrist to her, "I've already tried."

"To me, its saying you'll try again. You'll act as if everything is okay, but its not all okay, is it Pony?"

"You're saying my name like _she_ does.." I lowered my head…why wouldn't they leave me alone.

"Who is she?" I looked over at Soda,

"_She_…she's one of the voices." I stared at the notebook in my hand "_She_…convinces me to do stuff."

__

Shut up! Shut up! You weak ass wimp!

"I don't mean to be weak. I just am…!" Tears ran down my face as I stared at the paper. "Why are you doing this to me!" I glared at Doctor Dawn.

"I want to help you," she stayed clam…unlike my brothers who were panicking but trying no to show it. 

"Please read what you wrote."

"I can't…I don't want to."

"Pony," Darry was out of his chair and kneeled next to mine, "open up for us, please?"

My voice shook as I spoke…

__

Don't you open your damn trap!

But I did…

"Teenage Suicide;

Time's rollin' forward  
I'm gettin' bored  
Layin' on my back  
I'm loozin' track  
Shifting patterns  
And nothin' matters  
'Cause there's no one here  
And I've lost my fear  
Well I've got no place left to hide  
I'm running out of time  
Moving slowly  
The walls are closing   
In on me,"

I pause, everyone was quiet, and Doctor Dawn was making notes on her note pad.  


"I can not see  
Appearing fine, well  
That's all a lie   
'Cause I am not alright  
Extinct inside  
I'm runnin' out of time  
My brother (mother) says I'm fine  
A teenage suicide  
No place to hide  
Well I've got no place left to hide  
No place to hide  
I'm runnin' out of time  
No place to hide  
Ya, I've got no place left to hide  
No place to hide  
A teenage suicide"

I slammed the book shut and threw it on the doctors desk.

"Pony, how are you feeling now?"

I looked at my brothers, neither of them were looking at me. It didn't matter anyway.

I looked a the doctor right in her eyes. "Well, like I want to die."  


*

__

~_~_~

Teenage Suicide, song by Unwritten Law, I added brother where mother was since…Ponyboy has um…brothers…yea.


	13. Chapter Eleven: Help

****

Thanks to everyone one who has reviewed so far!

….*makes a sign that says "Purified Darkness, Best Angst writer in the Universe" and hangs it in the middle of fanfiction.net*  
~Mijuju

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT REVIEW MIJUJU! MY WHOLE DAY HAS BEEN CRAPPY AND THAT MADE ME SMILE! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

*

AN: I need some ideas, so if anyone has any please post them in your review or e-mail me, **purified_darkness@yahoo.com**** !**

Thanks again!

~*~*~*~

Pony, Soda and Darry arrived home

~*~*~*~

Well, to say it lightly, I scared the hell out of my brothers …honestly I didn't care anymore. I'm not going to care about anyone. 

Not about what little friends I had

Not about my family

And sure as hell not about me!

What was there to care about? I'm a freak to them! To all of them!

__

You ARE a freak…

I sighed and sunk down into the couch.

The house was quiet and I hated it…Soda was sitting beside me reading some of the papers that the doctor had given him and Darry. His hands were shaking…I knew it was my fault.

But, I didn't care.

I looked over at Darry who had his eyes shut tightly mumbling "What did I do wrong?" over and over.

I should've felt guilty but I didn't.

I sighed, and popped my knuckles.

"You're sittin' there like you don't care."

I looked at Darry, he had opened his eyes and was staring at me with a mixture of anger and sadness.

"Care about what?"

"They're thinkin' about takin' you away, and you have nothin' to say about it? She said, if you don't enter in a therapy group or a hospital. The government will take you away from Soda and me."

"Why should I care?"

"What!" It was Soda's turn to get upset. "You don't care if they take you away from us?"

I shrugged, "No point to, not like you guys care."

"Not like we care…?" Darry's voice was quivering. I didn't know if it was from surprise, anger, shock, or tiredness. 

Maybe it was all of it. 

"Not like we fuckin' care? So, we've been takin' your crap for almost months now, and you're sayin' we don't care? You're sayin' that Soda and I have been stickin' by you, tryin' to help you because we don't care?"

I was silent…was I really being a fool? 

All of a sudden both sides of my face were grabbed and I was looking into Darry's eyes.

But, they weren't angry…

Why?

"Tell me. Honestly. Do you really want to die?"

I stared into his eyes, was this a trick question? If I said yes, were they going to throw me into the crazy house, lock me in a padded cell and throw away the key?

__

You know that they will Ponyboy…

"Yes…"

"Why?" Simple question.

"Because…" But, I couldn't give a simple answer…not one that they would understand. All of a sudden the hands disappeared from my face and Darry was gone. He came back moments later and placed down a hand full of pill bottles, a knife, and a gun that he kept in the back room.

"Darry…don't." Soda's was obviously scared.

"No Soda, if Pony can give me a good answer to why he wants to die so bad. Then he can do it." He turned to me, "I have rope in the truck if you want to hang yourself." He said as tears rolled down his face, but he kept a stern and angry look plastered on his face. "But, you have to give me an answer first."

"I killed them…I killed everyone!" I screamed at him, why was everyone doing this to me!…or was I doing this to myself?

__

No! Ponyboy, everyone is upsetting you! Make it stop now! Pick up the gun…its loaded. C'mon now Kid. Do it! You know you want to!

"Pony, who did you kill? Johnny? So you burn him…did you pour gas on him and lit a match and set him on fire? Hm? And you just used to church burnin' as a cover up? You killed Dally? So you were the police that night? So you shot him? You even killed Bob? Mom and Dad?"

"Yes…its all my fault some way or another."

"How Pony…?" Soda grabbed my hand. that's when I realized I was shaking…I was even making his whole arm shake.

"If I didn't run away from you guys…"

"Then, it was all my fault. I hit you Pony…I was the reason you ran away!" Darry crouched in front of me, and placed his hands on my knees. "Its all my fault then…"

"No! I made Johnny come with me!"

"Then you would've been all alone it the park that night Pony!" Soda cried grasping my hands tighter. "**You **could've been killed that night…think about it baby! Johnny, Dally, Mom and Dad…what are they thinkin' right now?"

"That I'm one messed up freak…"

"No, that **they **love you! **We **love you! We love you more then **anythin' **…anythin' …" Soda broke down then and brought my hands to his face. "Please…please…"

"Don't cry Soda…please?"

"Baby, " My attention went back to Darry. "I'm sorry if I ever hurt you in some way…"

"Darry you didn't…"

"I just want to know why! You didn't kill **anyone**!"

__

HE'S **LYING **OF COURSE YOU DID!

I pulled my hands from Soda and covered my ears…someone was screaming.

**__**

YOU KILLED THEM…!

Who is screaming?…someone make them stop!

**__**

YOU'RE A MURDERER!

Please…I can't take it anymore.

"Pony stop!"

__

HURT YOURSELF…**DO IT NOW!**

I dug whatever was left of my finger nails into the flesh behind my ears and jerks them violently away…I stared at my fingers tips…they were bloody.

A nice crimson color.

"Fuck Pony! Stop it!"

The screaming had stopped and it turned into mad laughter…as I dug my fingers into the semi-healing cuts on my arms.

__

YES, YES…GOOD PONY…HURT YOUR SELF **MORE**…

"I'm sorry…I have to do what they tell me." The laughter stopped for a moment and I stared at my brothers who was looking at me with sheer horror. "The voices are **always **here. They told me I killed my friends…and parents. And their right…"

"Pony, c'mon. Lets call Dr. Dawn and get you some help…alright?" Soda's voice tried to soothed me, but I just dug my fingers deeper into my flesh.

__

You don't **need **help…you don't **want **it…

"Nope, voices are telling me that I don't need help."

"No honey, don't listen to the voices." Darry was trying to pry my fingers from my flesh.

"I have to…"

"No you don't! What do **YOU **want! What does PONYBOY CURTIS want!"

__

You don't want anything! WE tell you what you want!

"I don't know…"

"Yes you do…" Soda voice was quivering with fear.

"I don't want to die you guys…" I stared down at me lap the blood from my arms were starting the ooze out on my jeans. 

__

Yes you do…

"We know you don't…But what do you want…"

__

You're a bad boy Pony…bad boy…

"Help…" I looked at my brothers, "I want help…please?"

~*~*~  


****

Angsty and emotional…wowz! Anyway, this chapter is the effect of finding out that your girlfriend of a year has been cheating on you for half that time. Oh well…hope she dies. ^.^ everyone have a good day!


	14. Chapter Twelve: Group Home and David

****

yer a boy?!?!? hell i didn't no that! i didn't no any boys had the nerve 2 write! GOOD 4 YA! ^_^ 

-PonyGirls review.

****

AN: EVERYONE THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! I LOVE THEM! Any-who, I'm not saying I'm not a guy and I'm not saying that I'm a girl! I'm not going to reveled that till later! Hehe…AM I A BOY OR A GIRL? (I like that song…for got who its by)

~*~*~*~

***Soda POV****

After Darry called Dr. Dawn and she arrived at our house, it seemed like right when we took a step forward we took two steps back.

Pony sat on the couch, in a ball, rocking back and forth, not saying a word.

"Pony, why aren't you talking to me? Whets wrong?" Dr. Dawn was asking Pony.

But my little brother said nothing. He continued to rock back and forth.

This was freaking me out, when I leaned over to touch him, he pulled away as if I was made of fire or something.

"Pony, you need to **say **that you want help. I need to **hear **you…Please."

"No one can help me…No one can cure me of my demons"

I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep from gasping…demons…my little brother had demons….

"You're right there, Pony."

"What?" I looked up Darry who was sitting on the other side of Pony stood up looking at her.

"Pony is right. No one can cure him," she turned back to Pony "but we - and everyone else who loves you- can support you." 

"I…"

"Yes, Pony?"

"…I'm alone…"

"No, you are wrong there. There many people who are just like you, who feel alone…But, they're not. Let me **show **you Pony."

"I can't…"

"Why not?"

"…." I touched Pony's hand but this time him didn't jerk away.

"Pony?"

"We can't pay the bills I've already piled up…"

"Pony, bills don't mean nothing to us as long as you get better." I said and I knew Darry was thinking the same thing. "We love you, and we just want you to get better."

There was silence between all four of us. Dr. Dawn didn't take her eyes away from Pony's., until he looked away.

"I want help…Dr. Dawn."

She smiled then, and gave him a gentle hug, like mom would when one of us were hurt. "I'm glad, and we want to help you…"

******Darry POV**** Two Days Later

I shut Pony's suit case and locked the two metal clips. Today we were placing Pony in a hospital. It wasn't really a hospital, just a group home for kids with physiological problems.

Pony was someone who they called a self-mutilator, self-injurer, a cutter…there were many names for him…them…I didn't know anymore.

I watched as Pony placed a few personal object in a smaller bag and zipped it up with his thin pale hands…

No one, not Dr. Dawn, Sodapop, Ponyboy, me or any of the gang knew how long he was going to be gone away from us, we just knew he'd be back when he showed signs of recovery.

"Its time we should be goin now." I said, glancing at the clock…I wished I didn't.

"Yea…" Was all my baby brother said.

*

The drive to the Home was about two hours away from our house. Dr. Dawn drove in front of us, in her tiny sports car.

We were out of the city before we even knew it…and the country appeared out of no where. It amazed me…like when I was younger…going to the country with mom and dad…how the city would vanish and the beautiful landscape of the country took its place…

Pony was between Soda and I, asleep. Soda was looking out the window, stroking Pony's hair…Damn, tears were starting to fill up…I couldn't cry not now. I've always been the strong one.

I did not want to do this, I didn't want to put my baby brothers welfare in the hands of strangers…but it had to be done. I couldn't loose another member of our gang, another family member…my brother. I couldn't…and I wouldn't.

*

We arrived at the group home after being on the road for 2 hours and 15 minutes

Pony was wide away then starring at the large blue and white house.

I looked to be half the size of the freaking white house and it was two story too.

We had stooped a group of boys who were playing basket ball and were now looking at us.

Slowly we piled out the car, Pony was clenching to Soda like a drowning person would cling to a lifesaver.

"Hi!" One of the boys who were playing basketball came up to us, smiling brightly. "My names David."

Pony said nothing, he just stared at the boy, he was tall about my size, dark red hair with barely visible freckles.

"You must be the new guy." David continued. "We've been waiting all day!"

I blinked, can you say 'too much sugar'? 

"Um…" Was Pony's reply.

"C'mon, I want you to meet some people? Play basketball?"

"Not really…I race….running I mean."

I found myself letting out a sigh of relief, he was opening up to someone.

"Wow! Cool!" He switched the basketball that he had from one hand to another, and grabbed on to Pony excitedly. "C'mon…we've been waiting to meeting you.

Of course my baby brother was stunned, "Um…ok."

I looked over at Soda, who was staring wide eyed at the spot that David had once occupied then he slowly turned his head to look at me. "Sugar?"

I shrugged "Or something."

Dr. Dawn laughed, "Lets go inside, we have to sign him in."

****Soda POV****

We placed Pony's bags in his new room. It was bigger then his one at home, but it had two beds in it. The other one was occupied by a boy, with black dyed hair, who was lying on it…his eyes shut. The room stunned me…the walls went from a robin egg blue to…a poster covered wall. Dragons, Guns, Reapers…all covered his wall and in the middle of it was the name Leo.

He didn't seem to notice us until Pony came in with that boy…David.

I shuttered…David was still bouncing everywhere. Talking but not really saying nothing.

I was staring at Pony, I didn't want to leave him…

…my gawd…at night, he can't sleep alone. I looked at Darry, and he seemed to be thinking the same.

"Are you going to be okay…at night?" Darry asked.

"I guess…I dunno." He shrugged and looked down at the ground.

"David…" A nice woman, one of the care takers, Mrs. Martin, started, "Lets leave Pony and his brothers alone…Leo?"

The boy opened his eyes and stood…he didn't look very happy, he pushed past us, knocking into Pony without saying sorry or anything.

That pissed me off…but my concern was on leaving my brother…I couldn't

"I-if you need anything just call." I said trying not to let my voice crack.

"I'll be ok."

"Sure?"

"Mm-hmm…"

Our sentimental moment was interrupted when we heard yelling and running. "C'mon he's family to us!"

That voice…Two-Bit, his voice was unique you couldn't get it confused with anyone's.

"But sir-"

"Hey Ponyboy Curtis! Trying to escapes without saying bye to us?" Two-Bit said, breaking through the door and draped himself over Pony, Steve was right behind him.

"Sorry, Two-Bit. We tried callin' ya." I answered, for Pony who was trying to get over the shock that these two had just appeared.

"Well you shouldn't leave so early."

"Two-Bit, Buddy." Steve laid a hand on his shoulder. "2 o'clock isn't early.

"For you it ain't, for me…" He laughed, "it is."

Then…everyone turned serious…these little grouping wouldn't happened again for awhile.

"I'm gonna miss you kid." Two-Bit gave Pony a squeeze, before backing off.

"Yea…ditto." Steve said, and slightly ruffled Pony's semi blonde hair. Sometimes, Steve Randle, my best friend amazed me.

Silence…

"P-Pony…I'm…" I launched at him then, hugging him tightly. "Get better soon…please?" I asked him through tears. I felt a pair of strong arms go around Pony and I. 

"Yea, so you can come home…we're gonna miss you something awful." We both pulled away from him, Pony looked like he was going to cry but he didn't…

"I'll miss you guys too…" He said finally.

There was a light knock and the door and Mrs. Martin stuck her head in. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go. It's Dinner time." She said with a smile

As we all walked down the hall Mrs. Martin talked to us. "He can call you whenever he needs to, visiting days are Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sunday…of course you can look at the papers we gave you for sometimes and such…" She stopped at the front door, but Pony came out with us.

It was Thursday…it'll be two and a half days till we could see each other.

Steve and Two-Bit said bye and got into Two-Bits car, while Darry and I slowly piled into our Ford.

"We'll see you Saturday alright?" Darry asked, starting the truck.

"Okay."

"We good, and stay safe…" Darry continued.

"I will."

"We love you…" Darry and I both said at the same time.

Pony didn't say anything, as we slowly started out of the drive. "

"I-I love you guys too!" I heard Pony yell. I smiled sadly, looking into the side mirror.

I broke down then…I felt bad…like I was leaving him…abandoning him.

…leaving him alone to face his own nightmares and demons…

"Its for the best…right Darry?" I chocked out.

I looked at him through my tears and he had his own trailing down his face… "I hope so…" was his reply…

~*~*~*~

****

Preview for next chapter;

Leo dropped his cigarette and stomped on it with a heavy black army boot, smothering it into the gravel below his booted foot. "The demons never go away kid. I've had them all my life, I still have them." With that the boy pushed past Pony, but pause, "Learn fast, kid. Get use to them, or you'll never make it…" Then he was gone, leaving the stunned Pony behind him.

……………..

~*~*~*~

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO? …DIDN'T IT JUST SUCK?…bad chapter…Urg!


	15. Chapter Thirteen: TwoBits Blade

SOME ONE HELP ME…GIVE ME IDEAS…I have many but they are way way way way to Graphic.

Thanks to all who have reviewed.

~*~*~

Pony stood there, watching as both vehicles grow smaller in the distance of the dirt road….a cloud of dust trailing behind them…

…behind them like the voices…his voice…but the dust would fade, the voices won't.

"Pony?" He jumped slightly and looked over his shoulder at Mrs. Martin, who had a sympathy grin plastered on her face. "It's time for dinner."

Pony let out a small sigh and looked back down the dirt road, it was empty…he was alone. He slowly turned around and Mrs. Martin and Pony walked back inside the large house together…

'House…Hospital…that was it was, believe it or not a hospital. They had wards and patients…sick patients. Like me.' He thought as the door shut.

"Damn…I hated my life" He said out loud but Mrs. Martin didn't seem to hear him.

~*~

Dinner was like none Pony ever had before. A silent dinner. No one was fighting, throwing food, making gross noises. 'I wished Two-Bit was here.' He thought.

'I mean, hell, that boy has to have mental problems…'

The only event during the 30 minutes was when a girl had a fit, she was about 12, and screamed about not wanting to eat her food.

David later told Pony she was an anorexic.

He didn't say anything though, no reason to. He just picked with my barley touched food.

~*~*~

After dinner was over Pony rushed outside, trying to avoid David…who, for some reason, thought he was Ponys' best friend.

"What you running from?" A deep voice boomed through the air. He turned to see Leo leaning against the wall his arms cross a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

"More like who…"

"David?"

"Yea.." He paused for a moment, his onyx eyes checking him over…He couldn't help but to gulp. 

"Weak…" He said, which confused Pony. 'What the heck was he talking about?' He seemed to heard his un asked question "You're weak. You let your self get caught. How long have you been a SI?"

"…SI?"

"Self-injurer."

"Um…a while, I use to do it after my parents died…but I stopped for awhile…and my two friend died about 4 months ago…or something…and…"

"I've been cutting since I was 7. They are with me all day, every day. You got them too? I call them demons…cause that's what they are…"

Pony stayed silent.

Leo dropped his cigarette and stomped on it with a heavy black army boot, smothering it into the gravel below his booted foot. "The demons never go away kid. I've had them all my life, I still have them." With that the boy pushed past Pony, but pause, "Learn fast, kid. Get use to them, or you'll never make it…" Then he was gone, leaving the stunned Pony behind him.

~*~*~*

Ponys POV

~*~*~

I stayed outside letting Leo's words register through my mind. He's been…an SI since he was 7. What in the world could've started him doing it that early.

I walked around the house, my eyes staring at the ground…

I felt…weird again. I needed pain…I wanted it.

No, I was here to get better…then I could go home. 

But…wait…I foot kicked something. I looked down and saw a switch blade on the ground. It looked familiar…I slowly bent down and picked it up and gasped

It was Two-Bits switch blade…how the hell did it get here?

I was gone then…like I was on the outside of my body, and I had no control over it. The 'demons' did.

I wanted to stop.

But, I couldn't.

I couldn't stop them!

I flipped the blade open and I wasted no time. I pressed it against the pale ivory skin of the side of my stomach. Instantly I felt as if I was high. 

There wasn't no "maybe" there anymore…I WAS sick. I knelt down and wiped the bloody blade on the grass before placing it in my pocket. I felt as if someone was staring at me but no one was around. I slowly raised my head to look up and I saw Leo looking out of our bed room window, a smirk plastered on his face.

Could he have…?

But when…?

~*~*~

TBC!

MY GAWD…THIS WAS…RUSHED! I'm sorry I've been sick and I haven't been able to update sorry…and this is…not really good. I'LL TRY TO UPDATE BUT WHEN? I DON'T KNOW. MORE REVIEWS!


	16. Chapter Fourteen: All Alone Again

PLEASE, REVIEW MY STORY! REVIEWS KEEP ME WRITING AND ONLY ABOUT 3 PEOPLE REVIEWED THE LAST CHAPTER…PLEAS REVIEW! GOOD OR BAD..I LIKE FLAMES TOO!

:: bouncing all over the room with Monkey in arms, who is struggling to get away ::

I had…and energy pill! Woo-hoo! Energy pill+2 Cokes+ a hershy = THIS CHAPTER and A HYPER PURIFIED DARKNESS!

Any-who! I have to end this story! So I'm going to try to write chapters right and left everyday! If I don't get sick again! LALALALALA

Alrighty

*

In our room, Leo shut the door behind me and leaned against it his arms cross. "Your wondering how I got it?" I couldn't do anything but nod…this guy, he just amazed me and scared me all at the same time. "After I left the room, I ran into your hyper friend in the hall while he was making a fuss to see you. So, I just plucked it from his pocket." He shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"Why?" I asked, watching as he crossed the room over to his side.

He shrugged again, "I'd knew you'd need it."

"But I don't."

He chuckled slightly, "Don't tell me, you want to get better, right?"

I nodded, "Sooner I get better, the sooner I get to go home." I plucked up one of my bags off the ground and I began to take out some of my clothes and placed them in the near by dresser. 

"I thought the same thing…I've been here for six months kid. No one gets better…they get worse."

I tried to ignore him, he was wrong, but the stinging at my side told me he was right.

"You said you started cutting cause some of your friends died?"

I nodded, and picked up another bag…a heavy one, that had all of my reading books. "Why are you here?" I asked before I could stop myself. 

"Nothing big, I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was 7, started cutting. Also, I'm a boarder line anorexic." I stared at him.

"I didn't know that a guy could have an eating disorder…" I murmured.

He looked at me and his onyx eyes seem to say: You're fucking kidding me, right? 

"Dude, the way you look I thought you had an ED."

"The way I look?" It hit me then, I hadn't realized. I barely ate anything…some days I ate nothing! "Man, I'm fucked up bad…" I said out loud.

"We all are…" Leo turned his back to me and sat on his bed. "Get use to this place, kid, you'll be here a while."

~*~*~

__

Journal,

10:00 PM

It's Friday…I arrived at this "house" yesterday…I'm suppose to be asleep right now. But I decided to make an entry in you. Since…we'll I didn't want Mrs. Martin to waste good monkey on a notebook that might never be used.

Well, anyway, today was hella boring. But, Leo smiled at me! I don't know why I'm happy about that…but I am. Leo's a cool guy, I can't believe I was scare of him…well, I'm still scared of him. But…well, I guess in the um…30-40 hours I've been here, I've gotten use to him.

Anyway, --------

I stopped writing when he heard a scream. The main light of the room cut on and he saw David standing at the door. "C'mon, one of the girls is going into cardiac arrest!" He yelled and disappeared. I got up, and turned to Leo, who was still in bed. 

"Coming?"

"Its nothing new." was the only reply he gave me.

I took it as a no, and followed David out and down the hall way to the girls wing. Nearly everyone was gather in front of the door way. David pulled me through the crowd and my eyes met a gruesome sight.

He girl from lunch the previous day was sprawled out on the floor. She looked like the skeleton that his since class had…the time that it hall feel from its hook and down into the ground…that's exactly what the girl looked like…just with hair and skin.

I watched as a few of the on staff 'doctors' do CPR on her.

"Come one Elizabeth!" Another girl screamed, she was hysterical. Her own thin hands pulled at red hair. "Elizabeth, don't leave me!"

"Call it…" I heard Mrs. Martin said, as she stroked Elizabeth's cheek. 

"But Yvonne (E-von)…" Mr. Philips said and stepped out of the crowd.

"Charles…its no use." She stood then and grabbed a blanket off the bed. "Call it."

"Time of death 10: 17 PM. Friday." Someone grabbed a chart and wrote down the time that was said. I watched as Mrs. Martin cover up the young girls body, tears in her eyes. "So-som-eone call the coroner."

"Elizabeth…!" The girl cried out, and I turned away then…I had witnessed another death. I also noticed the David wasn't beside me anymore. I pushed my way back through the crowd .

I found David inside the art room, painting. He just splashed colors onto the board and tore it up dumping the torn up paper to the ground.

"David?"

He smeered the paint onto the paper and turned to look at me, "She was just 12 Pony…just 12!" He sholders began to shake, "She didn't have to die…no one here has too!"

"David…"

"Every week, someone dies…this whole place is a death trap…it is…" He grabbed his short red hair with his paint covered hands…that's when I noticed that other girl…the one crying in the death girls room.

"Are you related to that other girl?" I asked out of curiosity.

He nodded biting his lip as more tears ran down his freckled cheeks. "She's here because of me…she found me hanging in my room, when I tried to hang myself…she saved me…then I dunno she started throwing her food up…and…mom she blamed me. For everything…Pony…I can't take this…I…can't."

There was nothing I could do…but stand there.

I should've held him but, I could…the voices wouldn't let me. _Let him destory his own self, like that girl did. Don't get involved._

That night or shall I say morning, I couldn't get to sleep until well past 1:00 AM…anyway, I had a nightmare. My first nightmare since I've been here.

__

I'm walking down a dirt road, panting. I guess I've been running. All of a sudden the firt road ends and my feet step down on lush green grass. I look behind my shoulder but the dirt road wasn't there…it was just gas and hills that stretched for miles.

I let a smile appear on my face I feel so free…so free in fact I began to run, jump and laugh. Once I tire out I stop and collapse on the grass the smile never fading from my face…

…never fading until a freeze carries the smell of smoke to me…

Something burning.

But, I continue to lay there, my eyes shut…I began to sweat…gosh it was getting hot. I open my eyes then, I'm no longer surrounded by grass but by fire…I'm inside a burning building!

I stand quickly, looking for a why out…but theres nothing! No way to get out!

I panick then and I began turning in circles…there has to be a way out!

Smoke began to fill my lungs and I stop in my track coughing. I collapse again, my lungs are buring as if someone pour acid into them.my hand makes contact with something…or someone…a foot.

I open my eyes and I look up at the figure…Johnny.

He's looking down at me…his puppy dog eyes begging me to save him…I reach up…

But as I do…he's engulfed in flames. He screams in agony…asking me to help him…

But…I…I …

~*~*~

"Wake up kid!" My eyes pop open, and I look up at an angry looking Leo. "Sheesh, you're gonna wake up the whole house with your hollering!" 

"What…?"

"You were having a nightmare, I guess." Leo shurrged and turned walking back to his bed. "It's 5 you only have 2 more hours to sleep. Now shut up…"

I didn't say a thing…I just laid there…in the dark alone.

I hugged myself, wishing it was Soda's arms draping across me…, I went to sleep like that…hugging myself in the dark, alone…

~*~*~

Visiting hours were sat at two shifts one was at 1 in the after noon, after lunch time, till 2:30 and the other was at 5 till 6:30 half an hour before dinner.

I sat in the game room with another SI, Margo, as we waited to see if we had any visitors.

"Ha!" I said triumphantly "I beat your score!" I smiled at her and stepped away from the pinball machine. 

"Well, guess what. I'm gonna beat your score and get my 2nd place back!" He stepped to the machine and started it up. I just laughed.

"Sure…whatever!"

"Ponyboy," I turned to see Mr. Philips who had bags under his eyes, "You have visitors. They're in the first room down stairs." I nodded, and he gave a sad smile.

Margo and I seemed to be the least depressed here, I guess because we were newer then everyone and really didn't know Elizabeth.

*

The visiting area was like a large living room. Everything; the wall paper, chairs, couches had a flower design. Which, at times upset teed ones stomach. 

But my visitors weren't all who I expected. Except for Two-bit, the others were Cherry, Marcia, Randy and surprisingly Curly Shepard, Tim Shepard little brother.

Two-Bit smiled when he saw, me and they all stood up…everyone, besides Two-Bit looked nervous.

"Hey guys!" I gave Cherry and Marcia a hug, and gave the guys a awkward half hand shake half hug… "I really wasn't expecting you guys."

"Yea, well. Your brothers and Steve had to work and I didn't want to come down here alone, and these guys wanted to see you so I brought them.

"Well, golly. I'm glad you did, I missed you guys." My gawd! I was…hyper, maybe it was the medication…

Curly was looking at me, I guess he was a little confused I mean he was in the informatory for the past few months.

"You're out early…about a month aren't you?" I asked him.

"Yea…good behavior." He said, he seemed kind of embarrassed by it.

"I wished it was that easy for me…" I mumbled, they looked a little worried but I covered it up with a smile.

"When we came in we saw a few people crying." Cherry said out of the blue.

Randy nodded, "Did something bad happened? It kind of scared us…" I amitted slowly, a Soc being worried about a Greaser…something new.

"Yea…a girl died laast night, she was an EDK."

"EDK?" Two-Bit tileled his head, and I had forgotten that they didn't know the 'House Slang' as David had called it.

"Eating disorder kid, she stavred herself…she went into cardiac arrest…"

-

"I don't even see why you come anymore!" We all looked over towards where the argument was coming from. I saw Leo arguing with an older woman who had long blonde hair. 

"I come because you're my son! Our family is now in depth because of you and your foolishness and lies! My brother is in jail because of your damned lies!" The woman spoke with a slight French accent.

"I'm not lying mother!" Leo, I had just noticed, had a French accent too. How could I have missed that.

"How dare you talk to me like that!" She must have noticed that she and Leo had drawn some attention and started speaking in French "Vous êtes un déshonneur à notre famille!"(1)

What ever said said upsetted Leo to the max. He balled up his hands as if he was going to lash out at his own mother.

"Si je suis un tel déshonneur puis sortez!"(2)

His mother drew back, "Leonard, you don't mean that."

"Yes, I do…" He turned then and stormed out of the room, leaving his shocked and upset mother behind.

"Dang…I wish I knew Spanish…" Curly murmured.

"It wasn't Spanish, Spiral. "I said using my nick name for him…we thought is sounded more tuff then Curly, "It was French. And that was my room mate Leo…"  


"Oh my.." Marcia gasped, covering her mouth with her hands. "Does he lash out at you like that?"

I shook my head, "Naw, he's ok…if you don't piss him off." 

We talked for about 30 minutes before Two-Bit brought up the subject of his missing switch blade.

"I lost it a few says ago," He said "I've been looking for it everywhere."

I felt guilty then…

__

Don't you dare, Pony…

The voice said

__

Don't be weak…

"Oh yea," I said purposely ignoring the voices as they yelled and screamed at me.

__

You need the pain!

I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the Two-Bit treasure. "I think you dropped it when you jumped on my" I tossed it to him as if it was nothing. 

"Thanks kid, you're a life saver." UI knew the real thing he wanted to say was, 'You didn't use it, did you?' or something related…but he didn't.

We talked more on different subjects and they gave me all the work I had missed since I've been out., then 10 minutes before the first set of visiting hours were up, they left.

Left me again…all alone.

~*~*~

1. You are a disgrace/dishonor to our family!

2. If I'm such a disgrace/dishonor then leave!

PLEASE REVIEW! REVIEWS KEEP ME WRITING!


	17. Chapter Fifteen: Darry, My fault?

Sorry, I've been sick with bronchitis and other things…I'm just one big old walking virus!

Monkey: ::sneezes:: eek…blah!

*****

I have a headache…

No, not just a headache…a migraine.

My head is covered with a dark towel to keep the light away from my eyes…yet I'm wincing in pain. The only thing that would create more pain would be noise…

…but there is none.

Soda and Steve are at work, Two-Bit is…somewhere. 

…and Pony, he's gone…

I'm all alone in the house and the silence is creating more noise then a marching band on The Fourth of July would make…

Soda, Steve and I went and saw Pony at the hospital two days ago…Sunday…it's now Tuesday I guess.

We couldn't see him on Saturday since both Soda and I had to work over time and visiting hours were over by the time we got off. But, Two-Bit saw him…said that Pony was acting different, and he told us about a show that Pony's roommate gave for them.

Soda and I got to see it all on Sunday though…

__

Flashback

The Visiting Lounge made me dizzy and sick to my stomach, flowers were everywhere…wall paper, chairs and they had fake colorful flowers in every corner. 

Soda was nervous, I didn't blame him…we had heard that a little girl had died a few days earlier and we didn't know what kind of state that Pony would've been in. 

So we all sat there…nervousness surrounding us.

A few moments later my little brother came in a smile plastered on his face…But I could tell it wasn't real. It wasn't natural…he was either drugged up, trying to make us think he's okay or both…I wasn't going to buy it either way.

He was so thin…as is a sneeze would just blow him away…his hair was dry and hung limply around his thin face…and his eyes had dark unhealthy circles around them…What was this place doing to him?

Soda stood quickly, but he didn't launch forward like I thought he would, he just stood there unsure of what to do…so did I. I ran my palms nervously over my jeans and licked my lips that had became awfully dry all of a sudden.

"Hey…" Pony said, his eyes met mine for a second them he looked away, that awful smile still plaster on his broken face.

"H-Hey Pony…" Soda stammered, and I still couldn't talk…I needed water. Soda stepped forward and hugged him, I stayed in my same spot.

"Hey Steve, Hey Darry." Pony said as to excuse us for not hugging or talk to him. We sat then…

…just sat there looking at each other…

"Is this place treating you okay?" I said without even knowing the question was in my head.

Pony nodded slowly, "Yea…its okay. They got me on some stuff that…that makes me really…giddy." He said, thinking about each word and said it slowly.

"Have you had any nightmares?" Soda asked, and I found myself holding my breath…the nightmares, ones that cause grief in Ponys life…

"Kinda…one…" Pony then started picking at one of the patterns on his chair.

"Do you remember what it was?"  


"…No…"

He was lying, Ponyboy was never a good lair…but I didn't want to put him on the spot.

*

Near the end of our visit, Pony's dark haired roommate, Leo, came in and stomped over to where one of the counselors were sitting, supervising the visits.

"I told you to stop going through my things!" He accused the poor middle aged man.

"Leo, calm down. If you need to talk to me, we'll talk in private."

"No! When I wait, you damned people drug me! Now where is it!"

"Where is what Leo?"

"Don't play games with me, you know what I'm talking about…" He growled out dangerously, he was panting as if he had trouble breathing. His already pallid skin became more pale almost a light blue color.

"Leo, calm down alright? What have we told you about getting upset?"

"I'm…already…upset." He panted, "Now…where is…my lighter!" He went forward as if to attack the guy, but he tripping on his own feet and landed on the floor knocked out cold.

Seeing this, Pony stood, "Leo!" I went to grab him, but he ran from me and over to where his roommate was laying. "Leo, c'mon dude! Leo wake up!" 

*

All the visitors were told to go then, we tried to argue. Even Steve wanted to stay, but we had to leave and if we caused a fight we'd "Endanger the patients" as one said.

__

End of Flashback

When was all this going to end? When will things go back to normal?

I took another migraine pill, and sat back down in my chair…Sometimes I feel that this is all my fault. I pushed my little brother and I made him run…my gawd…maybe this is my fault…all my fault.


	18. Chapter Sixteen: Going Insane

1:30 AM Tuesday morning.

Nightmare

I was running down a dirt road…a sand colored road…rocks and other objects I stepped on jammed into my foot…but I didn't stop. Somewhere, where this dirt road ends, I'll be home. Home with my brothers a friends.

The road changed suddenly…it began wet and a dark copper red color. My once moving feet now stopped, stuck into the wet dirt. A…familiar smell struck my nose...the smell of iron…wet iron…

..the smell of blood.

I looked at my surroundings, bullet shells…hundreds of them covered the ground.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Shots rang through the air.

I looked down the dirt road and saw Dally running to me a gun in his hands. He stopped a few feet away from me…and his eyes…his dead eyes…looked into mine.

Bang! Bang! Bang! I saw a bullets come for the barrels of guns and fly through the air…each one..one bye one…piercing its way through Dally's flesh…

I stood there frozen as his body went forward…his eyes still looking into mine…

BANG BANG BANG!

Time slowed then…I moved my eyes in time to see a shiny copper and silver bullet pass over Dallys shoulder and had a bulls eye right between both my eyes…

I couldn't move…

..couldn't scream.

I was gonna die.

BANG!

I awoke from my nightmare. That last 'bang' wasn't from my dream it seemed real. The Florence lights flooded the room and the floor keepers came in.

I was still half asleep, I couldn't hear what they were saying. Someone was screaming. Mr. Rice grabbed my arms and pulled me from the bed.

"What's going on?" I asked, as he tried to pull me out of the room. "What-" I didn't finish, I looked over my shoulder then and saw it

Blood…

"No…" I pulled away from Mr. Rice, and broke through the growing crowd. "No." I repeated. "Leo, no…oh dude." I dropped to my knees in front of the still form my hands touched his forehead and were immediately covered with blood. "Leo…!" I screamed…

~*~

Darry POV

The phone rung around 2 am in the morning. I had barley gotten to bed, every since we put Pony in that 'Mental House'. I rarely got any sleep. 

"Darry! Soda! Get the phone already!" Two-Bit yelled from the living room. For crying out loud, he was closer to the phone the either of us were. Sure enough when I entered the living room Two-Bit was stretched out across the couch, not moving at all to answer the phone.

"Lazy bum." I murmured and he tossed me a look as I answer to phone. "Curtis residence, this is Darrel." 

The voice on the other line was low and quiet.

There was an accident. Pony went into shock. Come as soon as we could. 

I hung up the phone without saying good-bye or asking who it was. Soda was behind me asking what was going on as I grabbed a t-shirt and shoes. 

"Put on some shoes, we're going to the Home." Was all I said to him before I ran out the door.

*

"No! I'm signing him out now!" I yelled at the woman in front of me. "As his guardian I have a right to do that! He is not safe here! Look at him! All you do is drug him and wish for the best! IF you even do THAT much!" 

"Mr. Curtis! Just calm down, please!"

"Calm down!? You just had a kid kill himself!" I turned to look at my brothers Soda was sitting on the floor near Pony. Pony rocked back and forth his hands covering his head as he murmured something's. "Mom…Dad…Johnny, Dally..Leo…I'm the grim reaper…"

"No…Pony." Soda was saying softly, and reached out to touch him. But Pony kept pulling back. 

"I'll kill you if I you touch me!" He screamed and went back to rocking and murmering.

"Give me the papers. He's coming home." I said the to 'doctors'. My baby brother was coming home, we'd take care of him…I don't know how but we will.


	19. Chapter Seventeen: Bath

Pony wasn't the same when we got him home. He was just like a walking empty shell. He barely ate, never talked…most of the time he would just sit on the couch or on the floor staring straight ahead. 

"His brain expensed a type of overload. So, in order to protect itself and Pony it shut down some." Doctor Turner explained to us the morning after we brought him home. 

Pony is walking around the house now, dragging his hand against the wall as he walk. Since our house wasn't really big, he just…walked. Not going anywhere.

"Pony?" I say gently so I wont startle him. I come up behind him and place my hands on his shoulders, but as always he pulls away. Tears well up in my eyes, I can't help it…he won't let us touch him, he's still wearing the same clothes he was wearing that night, the clothes that were still stained with blood.

"Pony, just let me clean you up, ok?" He starts walking again…he walks inside Darrys room. I hear his nails scratch against the wall and then a few seconds later he emerges. "C'mon Pony, the state is gonna come by this evening or tomorrow and if they see you all dirty they'll take you away."

Again I get no response, he walks past me and into the living room. 

Darry comes in at that moment, "Same?" he asks.

I nod slowly, and lean against the wall and I shut me eyes. Moments later I hear a scream, one of fear and determination. I open my eyes and I look at Darry and Pony.

Darry has Pony in his arms in a bear hug. "I know you don't wanna be touched! But its for your own good, we need to get you cleaned up!" Darry was say, I was stunned until Darry looked at me. "Start the bath." I commanded, I just nodded and ran into the bathroom and started the bath. 

The screams continued, and I cursed at the water to run faster. I then raced out the bathroom and meet Darry who was dragging Pony into the bathroom. I grabbed my baby brothers legs and helped bring him to the tub. 

Pony was fighting as if we were going to kill him, he scratched me and actually bit Darry. I managed to pull his pants off while Darry worked pulling of Ponys shirt…well, ripping it off. After pulling off his clothes we lifted him up and placed him into the water, where he continued to thrash about. 

"Pony stop! What's wrong honey? Stop before you hurt yourself!" I screamed at him, trying to calm him down.

Slowly he stopped screaming and thrashing and just starred ahead. 

As we bathe him, as if he was a child, I let the tears fall from my eyes…I wanted my baby brother back. My happy quiet, smart ass (who never used his head) baby brother back…

~*~*~

O.O Short…and this is turning into a whole new story…


	20. Chapter Eighteen: Sleep

Ponyboy actually fell asleep as Soda and I bathed him. I really didn't mean to scare him like that, but its been t4 days since the accident at the Home and…I wanted my brother back. Plus the state was going to so a surprise visit either today or tomorrow. 

"He asleep?" I asked Soda as he came out of the bedroom he and Pony shared. He just nodded and sat down beside me on the couch.

I slowly let out sigh and covered my face with my hands. "Maybe," I mumbled, " we sound find him another Home…somewhere where they can take care of him while he's in this state." Why did I say that? Why did that thought pop into my head. I'd never do that…not again. I wouldn't make that mistake twice. 

I noticed that Soda was deadly quiet so I uncovered my face and looked at him. The look he was gaving me would've kill me - if looks could kill. His eyes were narrowed but showed signs os disbelief, his mouth was opened slight.

"You wouldn't dare Darrel." He snarled.

"It was just a thought." I stood up, a little scared that he was going to start strangling me.

"Well, don't even think like that!" His voice was low, so he wouldn't wake up Pony. "He's still in shock, he'll snap out of it soon!"

I looked at him, he really wanted to believe that…he hung on every word that the doctors said. I knew better. Pony wouldn't snap out of it.

I couldn't believe it…but I had to. In the last few months, two of our good friends died, Pony attemped suicide, he was place into a mental home and now he was…in his own little world. A world he wouldn't let us into. 

I walked and stood in the doorway of my brothers bed room, Pony was laying there…one arms covering his forehead and the mid day light that was shinning through the window gave him a sense…of peacefulness - as if he was an angel.

~*~

Flashback

~*~

Mom always had a beautiful voice…Soda and I couldn't wait until our bed times, the times mom would come and sign to us. It seemed, when Pony was born, her voice got even more beautiful…and Ponys birth ment she'd sing more. 

__

How you changed my world you'll never know  
I'm different now, you helped me grow  
You came into my life sent from above  
When I lost all hope you showed me love  
I'm checkin' for ya boy you're right on time  
Angel of Mine  


I loved resting my hand on her knee as she sung to Pony and us. Her voice echoed so smoothly and softly throughout the room, and dad would stand in the door way a smile on his face.

  
_Nothing means more to me than what we share  
No one in this whole world can ever compare  
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind  
Angel of Mine  
_

Then after the finished signing, she'd place Pony in his crib and tucked Soda in, then she'd lead me to my room and tuck me in, kissing me on my forehead - a kiss that lingered softly throughout the night and half the morning.

~*~

End of Flashback

~*~

"Why are you crying?" Soda's voice broke through my thought , which caused me to jump. 

"I'm crying?" I touched my face, and I realized that I was. "Just thinking' bout mom and sutff…you know."

"Oh…" he stood next to me , "He'll be okay, won't he…? I mean, I miss our Pony." He sighed heavily. And I kept silent. "Why were you thinking about putting Pony into a home?"

It was my turn to sigh, "Dr. Turner thought it would be best if we placed him in a home, not like the one before, so they could take care of him."

"You've got to be kidding me. Why do you listen to that bitch? And that Dawn lady too!"

"What could we have done, Soda?"

"None of this would've happened if-" He was cut off when a loud knock came from the front door. I leaned over to see down the hall and into a living room, and standing in the front door was a man and a woman dressed in business suits…

…state social workers…

"Shit…" I murmured.


	21. Chapter Nineteen: Cats and Knives

OMG! Sorry for the looooong wait! Big time writer block plus I've been busy! FORGIVE ME! I MAKE NO PROMISES BUT I WILL TRY TO HAVE THE NEXT CHAP OUT BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK!

THAT'S FOR THE REVIEWS AND WAITING!

!*!*!

Why did those robots in suits come today? Today of all days they chose to come. I looked up at Darry, whose face had changed from an tired redness to a shock and worried pale.

"What do we do?" I asked him.

He ran his hands through his hair and pulled down his damp sleeves. "Answer the door, of course." Then he walked down the hall and stepped into the living room.

"Hello, may I help you?" I heard him say.

"Yes, my name is Jordan Willard and this is my partner Vanna Hart, we're from the combined Texas and Okalahoma area social services." 

There was a long pause…no one said anything; I guess _they_ thought that _Darry_ was going to say _something_. They didn't know much about my big brother then.

Someone cleared his or her throat. "Well, sir, we were notified about your brother and just came here to check on things."

"Sorry but this is not a good time." Darry finally said.

"I understand but-"

I stopped paying attention to the convocation going on in the living room and looked back inside the bedroom at Pony. He kept moving from side to side and his face was—un describable. Fear, anguish, disappointment. All mixed together along with other things on Pony's young stressed out features. "My fault…." He mumbled, a single tear squeezed through his shut eyelids and tailed down his face. "…Sorry."

Then he went silent. I walked into the bed room, away from the three voices inside the living room, and sat on the edge of the bed, patting his back. "Its okay baby, nothings your fault. You're sick right now, but you're going to get batter." I told the sleeping boy, hoping to convince him as he slept. But to be honest, I didn't even convince myself.

*

"-and the woman asked me, "Sir, have you found Jesus?" and man, I honestly didn't mean to, but I was tired and already pissed off because of my History teacher, and I yelled at her. "What the fuck, you guys lost him again!?"" 

I watched as Steve, started laughing, trying not the drown himself with the beer already in his mouth after Two-Bit finished his daily story. 

"Well its true, I'm not no Anti-Christ or anything but you know, it gets on my nerves." Two-Bit took drink of his own beer and set it down on the floor of our porch. :Hows Pony doing?" He asked all of a sudden. Guilt written all over his face. Ever since Pony went into shock and into his daze, Two-Bit and Steve rarely went inside the house. Scared of what they saw. 

"He's…the same." I jammed my hands into my pocket and looked through the screen door; Pony was sitting on the ground watching Television. "But he talked, he told us that he was thirsty. In my books that's a plus."

"Yeah." Steve said walking into the yard looking down the street. "Darrys at work, huh?"

"Yea. He had to after the social workers came by yesterday, he needed to get anyway for a bit." And that was it. We stayed on the porch the rest of the day smoking and drinking a little. There was next to no talking.

"Hey Soda?"  I turned to look through the screen door and opened it. "Was that you Pony?" I asked in shock.

**Pony's POV**

_"…It chops it dices, it even seems to clean itself! Watch as I cut this cheese and the slices don't even stick to the blade!" _The woman on the television was saying. She was pretty, or she would be if she wasn't wearing that RED lipstick. 

Lip stick…stick to lips. Is that how it got its name? Red, red, red, fire truck.

Red, blood is red. Warm and red. Is lip stick warm, mom use to wear lipstick. Didn't she? Sometimes she did. Anniversary. Her and Dads anniversary, she'd dress up and they'd go out to eat. Leave. They can't do that anymore.

 Their dead. 

Mom and Dad are dead. 

Johnny is dead. 

Dally is dead. 

Bob is dead. 

Leo is dead.

They all bled, and died. Maybe not Johnny. I dunno, but he's dead.

Dead, red, bled. 

"Only 3 payments of 11. 98! That's right folks, you heard me right for this complete set of stainless steal kitchen knives, that even cut through and aluminum can of coke, only 3 EASY payments of 11.98! Call while they last!"

 11.98, what can't they just make it into and even number. 12.00. Plus they'd get more money. Some people are stupid.

Knives, I want a knife. 

Knives are sharp. They draw blood, red warm blood. 

Warm kittens are warm. I want a Cat.

"Hey Soda?" I called not looking away from the television.

"Was that you Pony?" He called back, he voice sounded weird but I didn't linger on it. 

"Uh-huh, can we have a cat? A nice cat, a kitten even. A black one." Red, "A red one, are their any red cats?" Cherry has red hair so can't cats? I think so.

"Yes, hun there is. But, we'll talk to Darry about it."  He was behind me. Don't touch me, I told him inside my head.

"Ok." I stood up and walked around the room dragging my hand against the wall, humming 'She'll becoming around the mountain.'

I'm gonna get a cat. A cat with sharp claws, claws like a knife. 

Knife and cats….cats and knifes.

Blood and death.

Blood and cats.

All the same. 


	22. Authors Note

Hello everyone. I'm sorry about the wait and stuff. Its just, for one I haven't been in the best writing mood which is also known as writers block.

Secondly, my father passed away Sept. 11th of 2003, along with the two "greatest" actors and musicians in the U.S., Johnny Cash, on the 11th (same day as my dad) and John Ritter (on the 10th). My daddy wasn't famous of anything… but he was my daddy. My protector. 

My daddy was 76, he lived through so much…Great Depression, Wars…but he couldn't live trhough cancer, and just plain old age.

I love writing, and daddy loved for me to write since he never learned how to read very well or write very well…

I know it's been almost two months, but I'm trying…so guys bare with me. This fic isn't forgotten never to be updated again. Its just on hold.

Thanks for reading.

PD.

Nicole
    
    From pigtails to perfume
    
    I'm growing up so soon
    
    Going to parties
    
    I love having my own room
    
    Don't spend as much time at home now
    
    There's so much to do
    
    But I know, it's true
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    Out in the great big world
    
    He's taught me what's right from wrong
    
    I feel so strong
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    I fill up my diary
    
    With all my dreams and hopes
    
    My future keeps changing
    
    Like a rainbow kaleidoscope
    
    A special boy waits just for me but
    
    Even though he's so nice
    
    I know, inside
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    Out in the great big world
    
    He's taught me what's right from wrong
    
    I feel so strong
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    Soon I'm gonna be all on my own
    
    I feel ten feet tall
    
    I'm not that little girl any more
    
    I can do it all
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    Out in the great big world
    
    He's taught me what's right from wrong
    
    I feel so strong
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    The greatest gift in the world
    
    Is being daddy's girl
    
    He's given me the perfect start
    
    Right from the heart
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl
    
    I'll always be daddy's girl

Daddy's girl


	23. Chapter 20: Where to go?

**I'M UPDATING AGAIN! WOO-HOO**

**PLEASE REVIEW! I UPDATED "GREASERS DON'T CRY,RIGHT?" REVIEW PLEASE REVIEW!**

When Darry got home Soda asked him about the cat. Darry said no. No surprise there really. Honestly, I didn't want a cat. They're lazy and mean. They eat, poop and lick themselves.

I was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at a brown stain that was on the wall. Where did it come from? It's been there for as long as I could remember. I think.

Mom always tried to keep the house clean the kitchen use to be pearly white. But, after she died the walls turned into a sick yellow.

Soda came in and went to the refrigerator blocking the spot on the wall with his body. I watched as he took out a beer, shut the door and popped off the top. When he moved away I was able to see the spot again.

"Where'd that spot come from?" I asked when he moved, then came and set beside me.

"The one on the wall?" He asked.

"Yeah."

He was silent for awhile. Shock I guess. I don't talk much but when I do I surprise them…I guess.

After awhile he answered. "Oh," he chuckled some, "Dad did that. The night mom went into labor with you. He tossed his whole dinner behind him. When they got back home from the hospital, mom carried you in here. She saw the mess, left the kitchen like she didn't see it or somethin', placed you down in the crib, then she came back and went crazy."

"Oh." I looked down at my hands. Some of my finger tips had dried blood on them from the nail biting and from when I run my hands across the wall. I went silent again, and faded into my dark empty world in my head.

**Soda's POV**

I sighed as Pony went silent. His face was blank and his once bright eyes were dark and empty. I missed how the things use to be. I can't help but to wonder, how would we all be right now if Johnny and Dally weren't dead?

I miss the laughter, the loudness and even the fighting that use to happen in this house.

Would things ever go back to normal?

I get up and leave the kitchen table with my beer and I go into the living room. The empty living room. Steve and Two-Bit rarely come over anymore, its hard for them too, seeing Pony the way he is.

I look down on the floor, underneath me is just some unopened mail. I pick up one of the envelopes, a blue one.

'**Oklahoma's MHMR' **I read. "Mental health and mental retardation."The words taste bitter as they leave my mouth.

My eyes began to burn and my vision becomes blurred.

I can't believe it. But, I have to…

…it's became the only option left.

**I'm trying to find a way to end this story. ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS? Should it in good or bad? PLEASE LET ME KNOW! AND PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Well, this is just a small update for this story to let you know I haven't forgotten about it.**


	24. Chapter 21: BahBah Black Sheep

**THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS! You guys are awesome! So, I took a few peoples suggestion…I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT!**

**TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK/WANT/HATE….REVIEW!**

&&&&&&&

Darry's POV

I got home around four that afternoon and the moment I stepped _in_ the door, Soda walked right past me, _out_ the door. "Goin' to Steve's!" he called over his shoulder, and that was that. He just got into the truck and left.

I stared, surprised, outside at the spot the truck once sat. When I came back to my senses, I tossed my tool belt onto the couch and sat down, exhausted, in my armchair. I shut my eyes and tried to relax in the silence.

"Bah-bah black sleep…" the song radiated from down the hallway. "Have you any wool…?" It was Ponyboy, he would always sing or hum. One of the only things he would do now.

I got up again, stretched out to pop my back. When I moved my arms over my head that's when I saw the opened letter on the coffee table.

"_Why do they call a coffee table a coffee table?" _Ponyboy had asked me once. I had, cold heartily, replied _"Ponyboy, why do you use your brain to think about stupid questions to ask?"_

Why did I start think about that? I tried to shake the memory from my head as I reached for the letter. But, I couldn't stop more from coming.

"_You got a…B!" I had yelled at him, when he handed me his math test?"_

"_Darry, its an 88." Soda defended, "give him a break! Better then what I ever got."_

"_It's not good enough!" I had then turned back to Pony, he was looking at the ground. "I expect better, Ponyboy. Use your head." I had placed the test down…and walked away._

I just walked away. Why had I gotten so mad? Why…?

I looked down at my hands to the letter and read:

MHMR 

_Darrel Curtis:_

_We have come be informed that your youngest sibling, Ponyboy Michael Curtis, is in an unhealthy mental state. We encourage you to, until his mental state improves, place him in an environment that would be able to provide him with the help he needs. Please keep this in consideration and visit our facilities for more information:_

_Mon-Fri 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM _

_Sat 11:00 AM to 3:00 PM. _

_Or_

_Call (321) 555-3586_

_Please call to arrange a visit. _

_Sincerely;_

_Nara Shields MHMR Director_

"Bah-bah black sheep…have you any wool? Yes sir. Yes sir…" I looked down the hallway and slowly walked towards the bedroom where the voice was coming from. I don't know why. I felt like I was in one of those scary movies Two-Bit loves so much…

But I knew it was my brother, so why was I doing this? When I reached the bedroom, my baby brother with his nose in a book didn't greet me. Instead, he was on the floor knees to his chest, rocking slowly back and forth singing.

"…three bags full…"

I moved closer to him, I could barley see his eyes from under his bangs. He would only let us touch him long enough to dress him. We could never grease his hair.

I dropped to my knees in front of him. "Po..Pony?" I croaked out. "Please Pony…talk to me." I reached out to grab his shoulders. He jerked away and moved back, shaking his head.

"Don't touch." He said and continued to rock and sing. "…for my master…"

"No, Pony." Again I reached forward and took him into my arms. He fought me, of course. First he just tried to pull away, and when he saw I wasn't going to let go, he started to scream and kick and even tried to bite me.

But I wouldn't let go. I couldn't!

I had to get through to him.

"LET GO!" he screamed, "I'LL KILL YOU! LET GOO! I'M DEATH…YOU'LL DIE!"

"No Ponyboy! STOP!" I just held him tighter and he continued to thrash about and scream.

"THEY'LL MAKE ME KILL YOU…!"

"No…Pony…" I was beginning to break down, "You can't me…bec-cause I have to live to pro-protect you--"

"NO! STOP…YOU'LL DIE!"

"You're not gonna kill me…You didn't kill anyone. You…were a victim, baby! Please Pony…! Please, come back to us…!" I began to sob, I pressed my face into his hair. "please we need you…Ponyboy…I need you. I love you so much, little brother. I love you."

He calmed down in my arms, and I felt his body relax. "Bah-Bah black sheep have you any wool…?"

"Yes, sir…Yes sir. Three bags full…" I sang along with him.

I felt him press more against me in my arms, and I held him firmly. For some reason, I too became relaxed and just swayed him back and forth. Humming as he sang softly mostly to himself.

I wanted to make him better. I didn't need no damned hospital to help me with taking care of my brother. All we need is each other. Soda, Pony, me…and our gang. Everything would be fine.

"I love you too, Darry."

&&&&&

**So? Do you love it? Do you hate it? I honestly think this would me an "OK" place to end. But, Soda needs to be in here…MAYBE the next chapter will be the final…GIVE ME INPUT… LET ME KNOW! REVIEW!**


	25. Chapter 25 Getting Better?

HERE YA'LL GO. THE ENDING TO MAYBE I AM SICK! OVER 2 YEARS…I'M DONE…for now hehe. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE. KISSES FOR THOSE WHO STUCK BY ME SINCE DAY ONE!

It's weird. This story, and everyone with it, has been with me through some of the hardest times in my life. My own battle with cutting, the death of my father and so much more. Thanks to everyone.

I love you all. But now, time for the ending of Maybe I am Sick….!

Everyday is a struggle. But, everyday is better then the last, everyday is better then it was just 3 weeks ago.

Pony, he's quiet, but he's better. He's not constantly in his own world, every now and then he goes into a daze but if we say something or touch him he comes out of it. He's not totally the old Pony we knew, but he's getting there. He's quiet now, sometimes he gets talkative…wait he is like old Pony.

I shrug to myself and smile.

I watch Pony carefully as he picks up the knife and cuts into the cake, I sigh with relief as he puts the knife back on the table and picks up the cake. He just walks past me to go into the living room. This time I don't have to wrestle the knife away from him.

"Soda?" I turn towards my little brother. I try not to laugh, chocolate is all over his mouth and some on his nose.

"Yeah, hun?"

"What time is my appointment with Dawn?"

Pony had started seeing her again. After we got him to come out of his world and come back to us, we got him to start seeing her. Not that he liked it much, he didn't fight us about it.

"Like always, one o'clock." And I waited for it…his question.

"Do I have to go?"

I chuckle, "Yes, you do." I turn back into the kitchen and pick up the chocolate crumb and icing covered knife to wash it.

"Soda?" The small voice of my brother once again comes from the living room.

"Yes?" I call back.

There was silence for a bit. But, I waited.

Finally, "Can you bring me some milk?"

I shook my head and grabbed a glass from the cabinet. "Yep. Be there in a sec." I smiled to myself; I missed his voice. I missed having my little brother want me to help him.

Darrys POV

I had gotten home just in time to rush Pony to his appointment. When I pulled up to the house Soda and Pony were outside waiting for me.

"Sorry." I said when they got into the truck.

"No problem," Pony said, "you could've took your time you know." Pony gave me a small smile and I laughed in return.

"You would've loved that, wouldn't you have little buddy?" I reached over and rubbed my brothers hair.

"Well, I wouldn't have been mad at ya." Then he opened his book he had in his hands and the rest of the ride to the doctors was silent. But it wasn't weird, it was just…quiet. I looked over the top of Pony's head to look at Soda who smiled.

I remember how Soda was just 3 weeks ago, he was ready to break down and just give up. He had given up. I know sometimes he gets upset about that, I remember one day I caught him crying in the bathroom while Pony was watching TV:

"I gave UP on him, Darry. I was ready to convince you to put him in a Mental Asylum. I was tired, I gave up on our little brother…I gave up on him when he needed me."

All I could do then was hold him. I felt the same way…I had started to give up too.

But now things are better. Not normal, but better. I quickly looked at Pony before looking back at the road. His nose was buried in the book, like old times.

He was better.

I couldn't be happier.

Pony's POV

"There are a lot of things that happen in the day I don't remember. Its just black empty blotches, but at the same time I'm aware. I don't know…." I'm sitting in Dr. Dawns office, fiddling with a piece of string on my shirt. I don't know why I'm nervous I see this woman 3 times a week.

"Do you brothers tell you what happens during the times you don't remember? She asks as she places her brown and gold pen behind her ear.

"Yea," I lean forward to pick up her wooden name plate. "They say I'm kinda child-ish or I'm out-of-it. In my own world... Do you think that could be a sign of like…multiple personalities or something?" I looked up at Dawn, I've been curious about that…having other people in my head.

She brought her hand to her mouth to cover a laugh. "Oh, Ponyboy. I love the questions you come up with. To be honest I have no clue. But, you say you're aware and you still answer by your name?" I nod and she continues " I'm not sure, Pony." She smirks "Something you'll have to ask Dr. Griffin."

I shutter, and put down her name. "Ick, I have to see him next week don't I?" I slump in the chair. I did NOT like that man.

Dawn laughs for a moment or so but then clears her throat. "Pony, how about cutting? Have you hurt yourself anytime?"

I shake my head and look down at my hand; "I haven't hurt myself since last week." I remembered last week, I was getting some pie, we didn't have any cake…and I just lifted my shirt and started cutting my stomach. Soda was walking by the kitchen and saw me and had the wrestle the knife from me… "But I haven't this week. I've had my urges, I've been wanting to…but I haven't."

"I'm proud of you Pony."

I smile at that. "Thanks Dawn, you know what?" I sit up in my chair.

"What?" She leaned forward, a small smile on his lips.

"I'm proud of myself too."

I really was, but as those words left my lips my stomach churned and I had no idea why. But I placed it in the back of my mind. I wanted everyone to be happy, and I would do anything to do that. Even if I made myself even more miserable then I was.

Smile. Laugh. Speak. Place on my mask, and continue my day, and torture myself in my head.

'_Smile, Ponyboy. Smile' _The deep voice in my mind laughed. _'Just smile.'_

I listen. I smile. I guess something's never change.

END! For now.

Well, that's it guys! I'm making an alternate ending. Or I'm thinking about making a Sequel to the whole thing. You'll just have to wait and see. Sorry about the ending. It's kinda…yeah. You can cut it off at the last place Pony speaks if you want everything to stay happy.

:walks away laughing thinking about other ways she can torture little Pony:

Wait.

:stops and turns to face everyone:

Thank you so much everyone! Finally after, how long::counts: OVER TWO YEARS…I'm done! Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Even the ones who continue to read but don't review, thank you! Almost 300 reviews. 100 for each year almost:: jumps up and down:


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